Stillness on the Path to True Love

My husband and I often go out for breakfast together on Sunday mornings after church. While our children attend Sunday school, we head out to a favorite café. I like to look at the couples around me and guess at how long they’ve been married or what their relationship is like; I watch them interact with grandchildren and friends, wonder about their joys and sorrows.

I used to wonder about couples who sat together at breakfast and never talked. They would almost meditate on the ritual of their dining, occasionally make a comment, but mostly sit in silence. In contrast, I tried to fill silences with happy chatter at my husband about my “brilliant” life philosophies and observations.

I have come to realize that one of the most important things we can do in a relationship is to shut up! Sit in stillness. Enjoy the blessing of being together.

When we are silent, we give others the opportunity to talk. This is a gift. It is also a great parenting strategy. My eldest daughter will often offer up the most wonderful stories or some of her concerns while I sit with her silently. A great time to do this is in the car or at bedtime. Avoid distractions like the radio or your to-do list and wait for your child to break the silence. It might take a few car trips, but it works.

Don’t be quick to respond. The other person may have more to share. Take in their comments without judgment. Signal to them that you are listening intently. Ask a question to clarify. Look at them in the eyes.

When I stopped worrying about how to fill dead air, I learned the most incredible things about my family. I created a safe zone for them to express things more clearly. I wasn’t focused on the next thing I wanted to say or defend or debate. I opened space to just be with them.

This is a humbling experience. To focus on another’s wellbeing and needs sometimes requires me to bite my tongue and sit in stillness until the other person feels heard — or is ready to talk. This skill works just as well in business as it does at home. Most people just want to feel heard. Then the project can move forward. The communication can begin.

The worst kind of talking is the kind used to draw attention. Children learn this early. They will prattle on louder and louder until someone pays attention to them (or tells them to be quiet). It is important to teach our children to respect when others are speaking. They should learn the importance of silence and listening — of thinking through their replies. If we don’t teach them about this, they will continue to make their presence known through speech with little value.

There is a time to talk. There is a time to be silent. Both are valuable in their proper turn. May you have the wisdom in life and in business to know the difference.

Stories We Tell

Once there was a beautiful princess who lived in a lovely little town in Minnesota. The problem was that she was trapped by an ugly and angry ogre. This ogre controlled her every move: how she dressed, who she saw, how long she was gone. The ogre was also very critical of how she kept house, her lack of cooking skills and her inability to focus.

One day, the beautiful princess went away to collect her thoughts. When she came back, the ogre had suddenly materialized into a normal man who loved her very much but was afraid that she didn't love him. She realized that she had been living inside of a fairytale — a bad one — for too long. She broke the spell by realizing that the ogre was only real in her story. And in fact, SHE had been an ogre.

In order to relate to people and experiences, we often attach meaning and stories to the "what happened." Although what happened was real and may have caused us pain, our stories aren't. When we continue to believe that someone is critical or controlling or irritating or unloving or absent, we keep the story alive. But we slowly kill off the people. Worse, we prevent true love and compassion from entering our lives.

What stories do you tell about your children? Do you have the hyper child? The quiet child? The happy kid? The perfectionist? The athlete? Keeping our children inside stories like Peter Pumpkineater kept his wife does not allow for much freedom of expression. Or it may have the opposite effect of children rebellling against their story. The happy kid goes Goth. The perfectionist starts drinking.

Let's be aware of what we are asking our loved ones to live up to. A story we told ourselves about them has an element of self-fulfilling prophecy, until they can't live up to the story anymore. Everyone deserves the freedom to be themselves in the present. Let's put the past where it belongs and leave the future open to possibility.

Stop and Listen

I've heard from many parents who say that their children have taught them so much about themselves...their capacity for love, gentleness, multi-tasking, patience...and just how little sleep they can get and still function.

Seriously, I believe that our children or any children who come into our lives can teach us about ourselves — just as our adult relationships help us understand our purpose and talents and weaknesses. The key is to be mindful of what each relationship and experience is trying to teach us.

It is often during conflict or doubt that we learn the most. When we struggle with a child, we must dip into our resources for problem-solving without getting mired in the emotions of the moment. Whether you are arguing with a 3-year-old or a 15-year-old, the view from the outside looks pretty ridiculous. Who is the adult in this picture?

We all want our feelings validated. We need others to acknowledge our joy or pain or confusion, or else we sense a void. Losing that connection to our children can be one of life's most frustrating experiences. We love them so much that it hurts, but we struggle to communicate these feelings when it comes to discipline and guidance. Some of us are too permissive. Some of us are too strict. Some of us are too distracted by our own "stuff."

Simple answers? Sorry. But I will say that the main thing our children want from us is time. We need to slow down long enough and often enough to catch the subtle and not so subtle cues for, "Hey, Mom. Hey, Dad. I need to talk to you about something really important. I want to spend time with you."

When a small child wants to crawl into your lap...When a teen hangs out in the garage around you, watching and not saying much...When a gradeschooler throws his bookbag and storms to his room...When your child wants to talk your ear off about every detail of her day...please stop and listen. Validate their feelings. Keep your stuff and your needs out of it. Wait for them to open up by practicing patience and the kind of love that feels so good that it hurts.

Remember: patience is practiced through empathy, mindfulness, and self-leadership. Put yourself in your child's shoes, stay in the moment, and view parenting as your greatest act of service to the world.

Keep watching for the cues to open communication and spend time throughout your children's lives. They will continue to need you. And you will learn even more about yourself.