My husband and I often go out for breakfast together on Sunday mornings after church. While our children attend Sunday school, we head out to a favorite café. I like to look at the couples around me and guess at how long they’ve been married or what their relationship is like; I watch them interact with grandchildren and friends, wonder about their joys and sorrows.
I used to wonder about couples who sat together at breakfast and never talked. They would almost meditate on the ritual of their dining, occasionally make a comment, but mostly sit in silence. In contrast, I tried to fill silences with happy chatter at my husband about my “brilliant” life philosophies and observations.
I have come to realize that one of the most important things we can do in a relationship is to shut up! Sit in stillness. Enjoy the blessing of being together.
When we are silent, we give others the opportunity to talk. This is a gift. It is also a great parenting strategy. My eldest daughter will often offer up the most wonderful stories or some of her concerns while I sit with her silently. A great time to do this is in the car or at bedtime. Avoid distractions like the radio or your to-do list and wait for your child to break the silence. It might take a few car trips, but it works.
Don’t be quick to respond. The other person may have more to share. Take in their comments without judgment. Signal to them that you are listening intently. Ask a question to clarify. Look at them in the eyes.
When I stopped worrying about how to fill dead air, I learned the most incredible things about my family. I created a safe zone for them to express things more clearly. I wasn’t focused on the next thing I wanted to say or defend or debate. I opened space to just be with them.
This is a humbling experience. To focus on another’s wellbeing and needs sometimes requires me to bite my tongue and sit in stillness until the other person feels heard — or is ready to talk. This skill works just as well in business as it does at home. Most people just want to feel heard. Then the project can move forward. The communication can begin.
The worst kind of talking is the kind used to draw attention. Children learn this early. They will prattle on louder and louder until someone pays attention to them (or tells them to be quiet). It is important to teach our children to respect when others are speaking. They should learn the importance of silence and listening — of thinking through their replies. If we don’t teach them about this, they will continue to make their presence known through speech with little value.
There is a time to talk. There is a time to be silent. Both are valuable in their proper turn. May you have the wisdom in life and in business to know the difference.
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