Rescuers and Referees

There are many styles of parenting based on the life experiences and belief systems of parents.

One father wants his son to be masculine, so he puts him into aggressive sports like wrestling and talks to him about "women's work" and "men's work." When he punishes him, it's often with his own hands.

Another father wants to be his son's friend, indulging his interests and desires with toys and activities and money and giving him a long rope for experimentation. He jokes with him about the times he got "wasted" and allows him to bring friends over to party, feeling that it's safer under his own roof. After all, boys will be boys.

You may know parents like this. But between the spectrum of total control over our children's beliefs and actions and 100 percent freedom, there are many shades of gray. Consider two more parenting styles:

THE RESCUER - Also known as helicopter parents, they rush in at the slightest whimper from their child. They handle things for their child to save her from potential embarrassment, ridicule, rejection, disappointment...or any mistakes. They indulge the protective instinct that grew from caring for a helpless newborn, and still view their children as vulnerable even into adulthood. They are well-intentioned...a bit perfectionistic...and can't seem to let go. Their children learn to be helpless and to rely on them for every decision and action they make.

THE REFEREE - Tending toward an authoritarian parenting style, these parents rule the roost and there isn't room for debate. It's their playbook or the bench. They fear giving their kids too much leeway or they'll foul out of the game. Children learn to do things according to what the parents expect and become good followers of authority. But they do not gain the skills to become leaders themselves, able to weigh their options and the potential consequences.

Knowing when to let go and knowing when to protect is every parent's challenge. But just as we teach them to dress themselves and make their own beds, we must also teach them how to make good decisions on their own. Instead of rescuers and referees who believe that we are better judges for our children, we must become mediators and guide our children through problem solving...as early as possible.

From a fight over toys to a fight over going to the next party, there will be many opportunities to mediate. And like a mediator, we must work on staying emotionally neutral. We are not their friends or their enemies. We are teachers. We are guardians of their character and safety. Rules are created for safety and to navigate a world that won't be as loving or understanding.

When children understand the reasons behind the rules, the rules are easier to follow. When children feel a sense of personal power, within our guidance, they will be more open to communication that outlines the consequences of their decisions. They will feel secure, yet free to choose wisely.

Children live for today. We must help them envision the future, a future that hinges on the decisions they make each day. This includes who they hang out with, how they present themselves to the world, the music they listen to, the activities they take up, the games they play, the goals they set.

I'm not saying that a kid with purple hair is out of control. Parents need to weigh the superficial against their child's goals and character. Is the purple hair an outward expression of their creativity or an expression of a problem? The distinction is obviously important. How we respond — with anger and ultimatums or respect and guidance — is really important.

Sometimes you might feel totally lost as your children grow and change and face hardship before your eyes. But don't give up. They need you.

And when they do, be careful to find out if the situation calls for rescuing, refereeing, mediating — maybe even cheerleading.

"You're smart! You're brave! I know that you can handle it! Gooooo, parents!"

Support for Tweens and Teens

An editorial in my local paper made a legitimate point about the importance of support for parents of tweens and teens. While there are a lot of resources and educational opportunities to learn about raising young children through the primary years — ECFE, parent play groups, magazines — the abundance dries up to a trickle once children hit middle school.

It is almost assumed in our education system and communities that parents should have a handle on parenting by the time their children are 12. But the rules of parenting change drastically at this stage of a child's development. Not only are children experiencing big physical changes, their search for identity apart from their parents really kicks into high gear!

Friends and social structures and how they fit into them become even more important. Parents need to be prepared to respond not only to changes in their child's attitude and mood, but also to new questions and concerns the child may have but doesn't know how to express.

I emphasize communication in my workshops because keeping lines open with a child of any age is critical — and the language has to change as the needs change.

For example, a 15-year-old who is showing a "moody streak" and refusing to do chores or follow established rules could have other troubles brewing under the surface. This child can't be spanked or redirected; the parent needs to be sensitive to a potentially deeper issue. It could be the new friend he has at school who doesn't seem to experience the same limits at home. It could be that he is feeling pressure to succeed but has an overwhelming schedule. It could be that he craves a sense of autonomy, being treated more like the adult he feels that he is. Ask questions to draw him out; avoid snap judgements.

Even at this age, temperament comes into play. If you had a feisty youngster who bounced off walls and physically expressed frustration, your older child may feel that same level of sensitivity and frustration but has been socialized to hide or suppress it...until it boils into a rage at school or home. Find ways with your child to channel this abundance of energy into a sport, music, or a challenging goal like saving for a car. Be wary of signs that your child is handling her frustration with unhealthy choices or the wrong crowd of friends.

If your child has always been more introverted, he may need some quiet time in his room after a long day at school. Introverted or slow-to-adapt children get exhausted by social contact for long periods. They need quiet time to regroup: to read, sew, play a computer game, or listen to the mp3 player.

I also encourage parents of older children to make sit-down family dinners a huge priority at least 3 or 4 times a week. Studies have shown that the incidence of addiction decreases dramatically and a teen's feeling of being able to talk to a parent about serious issues increases. This might mean sacrificing some extracurricular or personal activities for the sake of your family, but avoiding the social pressure to overschedule will pay dividends in the long run.

Get your child involved in the preparation of the family meal as a ritual you can all enjoy. Turn off the television. Play relaxing dinner music. Discuss your day and keep the mood positive to encourage socializing and digestion! If there are important concerns to discuss, schedule a time after dinner to talk with your child or spouse.

As your children mature, think about ways to include them on important family decisions — a job change or caring for a grandparent — to acknowledge that their input is appreciated and respected in team family.

If you have any questions about your tween or teen, I'd love to hear them. Post a comment or email me at express@bctelco.net