An editorial in my local paper made a legitimate point about the importance of support for parents of tweens and teens. While there are a lot of resources and educational opportunities to learn about raising young children through the primary years — ECFE, parent play groups, magazines — the abundance dries up to a trickle once children hit middle school.
It is almost assumed in our education system and communities that parents should have a handle on parenting by the time their children are 12. But the rules of parenting change drastically at this stage of a child's development. Not only are children experiencing big physical changes, their search for identity apart from their parents really kicks into high gear!
Friends and social structures and how they fit into them become even more important. Parents need to be prepared to respond not only to changes in their child's attitude and mood, but also to new questions and concerns the child may have but doesn't know how to express.
I emphasize communication in my workshops because keeping lines open with a child of any age is critical — and the language has to change as the needs change.
For example, a 15-year-old who is showing a "moody streak" and refusing to do chores or follow established rules could have other troubles brewing under the surface. This child can't be spanked or redirected; the parent needs to be sensitive to a potentially deeper issue. It could be the new friend he has at school who doesn't seem to experience the same limits at home. It could be that he is feeling pressure to succeed but has an overwhelming schedule. It could be that he craves a sense of autonomy, being treated more like the adult he feels that he is. Ask questions to draw him out; avoid snap judgements.
Even at this age, temperament comes into play. If you had a feisty youngster who bounced off walls and physically expressed frustration, your older child may feel that same level of sensitivity and frustration but has been socialized to hide or suppress it...until it boils into a rage at school or home. Find ways with your child to channel this abundance of energy into a sport, music, or a challenging goal like saving for a car. Be wary of signs that your child is handling her frustration with unhealthy choices or the wrong crowd of friends.
If your child has always been more introverted, he may need some quiet time in his room after a long day at school. Introverted or slow-to-adapt children get exhausted by social contact for long periods. They need quiet time to regroup: to read, sew, play a computer game, or listen to the mp3 player.
I also encourage parents of older children to make sit-down family dinners a huge priority at least 3 or 4 times a week. Studies have shown that the incidence of addiction decreases dramatically and a teen's feeling of being able to talk to a parent about serious issues increases. This might mean sacrificing some extracurricular or personal activities for the sake of your family, but avoiding the social pressure to overschedule will pay dividends in the long run.
Get your child involved in the preparation of the family meal as a ritual you can all enjoy. Turn off the television. Play relaxing dinner music. Discuss your day and keep the mood positive to encourage socializing and digestion! If there are important concerns to discuss, schedule a time after dinner to talk with your child or spouse.
As your children mature, think about ways to include them on important family decisions — a job change or caring for a grandparent — to acknowledge that their input is appreciated and respected in team family.
If you have any questions about your tween or teen, I'd love to hear them. Post a comment or email me at express@bctelco.net
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