Stop Touching Me!!

Siblings. They are your first test in learning how to get along with others. I recently had a question from a parent about how to get her son to stop touching his brothers inappropriately. I suspected that he was doing it to get their attention as well as his mother's attention. Kids learn to get attention in lots of ways, some of them we would consider bad ways. To them, it's just about getting attention.

You can still see bad attention-getting behavior in adults who haven't learned to get attention any other way. They talk loudly. They shove people. They make off-color jokes.

Best to help your child learn appropriate ways of getting attention so he doesn't become that annoying co-worker, embarrassing spouse or friendless practical jokester.

When the behavior happens, call your child and his siblings over and tell them that their behavior is inappropriate. Then ask them to apologize and tell each other one thing they like about the others. You as the parent can offer a compliment to each of them. Do this in a calm and cheerful way so they witness your positive attention for their good behavior.

If the sibling rivalry is particularly intense, you will probably have to repeat this game several times over a week or so. Stop the action. State your expectations for behavior and play the compliment game. If a child refuses to play or makes fun of the idea, send that child for some quiet time until he can come up with some nice things about his siblings. He may just need some time to settle down after the horsing around.

Talk to your kids about personal space. Make a game of it by giving examples of invading personal space and then how each should respond. Talk about using manners like please and thank you, respecting the toys and personal space in bedrooms of each sibling. Even if siblings share a room, they can each have a personal area that is just theirs.

In order to relate well to others, we also need private time for ourselves. Create that space in your home. This is important for parents, too!

What you may find is that your children will ask to play the compliment game or volunteer compliments when they realize that someone has been upset by their behavior. It will become a great ritual for bringing everyone together and showing mutual respect and love. They can offer compliments to you, too.

How have you helped to improve relationships between your children? How do you give them positive attention?

What is Wicked?

My husband and I just saw "Wicked" in Minneapolis. The show affirmed for me that we feeble humans can never judge what is truly good and what is truly wicked. We have to examine the intent of every individual and the context of the situation. But we must also realize that good and evil lie within each of us and we must consciously choose the right path in every moment. When I mean right path, I mean a path that does not result in harm to us or to anyone else.

Sometimes it might seem that the right path is to be selfish, to take care of our own needs before others. Put your own air mask on and then you can help someone else, right? The problem is that we often take this idea too far. We put on our own air mask and then we suck up all the air. We take and take and take. Or someone hurts us and we think it's our right to be selfish and take what we rightly deserve.

Okay. I'm sure many of you are saying, "Wait just a minute. I give and give and give. When IS it my turn to take?"

Well, there is a difference between giving and a feeling that we are "sacrificing" for others. If we are afraid that we will never get anything back for what we give, that is a position of sacrifice. Sacrifice feels yucky and draining. It leads to resentment and more taking. But giving is a joyful position because our hearts are open. We don't need to get anything back. We are receiving joy from the giving.

How do we get to joyful giving? We must practice believing that we live in an abundant world and that everyone we meet is a member of our family. No matter their attitude or how they choose to act, we can show up with a sense of peace, gratitude and service.

Someone who appears wicked may in fact be doing good. Someone who appears good may in fact be acting wickedly. We know this. We also are not the ones to judge. We can only practice good judgment with regard to our own lives in every moment. Don't get drawn into wicked attitudes and deeds. Be fearless. Be your own person. Give with joy.