My Relationship Smarts

For seven short months, I was a rock star.

Then my fun and passions were dashed by my anxious, controlling husband…or so the story goes.

While each of us must have outlets for relaxation and fun to balance hard work, our choice of outlet should always take into consideration the needs of our families. I am only speaking, of course, to those parents and spouses who believe in raising successful children and maintaining a close and loving relationship — simultaneously. If you have already given up on that ideal: never mind.

If you don’t have children yet and already do a lot of stuff apart from your spouse, listen up.

Okay, if anyone is still reading this, I have a few short and sassy rules to prioritize family and still “have a life.”

•If your spouse is uncomfortable with something you are doing, pay attention!
Don’t discount a spouse’s anxiety or discomfort because you think it’s ridiculous or controlling or not what you believe. If you’re in this for the long haul, take time to discuss the issue and work toward compromise. Maybe hunting or ice fishing for five weekends in a row is not conducive to a happy married life. Your spouse shouldn’t have to “just deal with it.” It’s disrespectful.

•Choose activities and levels of commitment that your spouse can agree to with enthusiasm.
If your husband is uncomfortable with you singing with a rock band in a bar until 2 a.m., maybe you need to find another activity. If scrapbooking won’t be the same as rocking out, your new outlet could be kickboxing. Get creative.

•Do stuff together.
I can’t tell you how important it is to maintain a close relationship with your spouse when you have children. That means spending time together in a fun or romantic setting. Learn the cha cha. Go sledding. Try sushi. Nudge each other out of comfort zones to try new things just like you would if you were dating. Have fun as a couple and with the kids.

•View differences as strengths to build a strong family.
If you live in the moment and your spouse is a planner, appreciate the ways that each strength supports team family. While you teach your children about spontaneity and gratitude for today, your spouse can teach them about setting goals and managing their time.

•Deal with small problems and “what-ifs” before they get bigger — or happen.
Whether you bounced a check, dented the car or have concerns about lack of time or affection from your spouse, communicate those concerns as soon as possible and work on them together. Honesty and openness can be difficult, but is a highly valued emotional need for men and women. If you need to bring in a mediator, do it now for your children’s sake.

•Model a strong partnership to your children.
If you yell, throw things or withdraw from your partner in a conflict, your children will learn to do the same. Think about what a strong and loving partnership should look like. Do your children see this? If not, what can you each do differently to be on the same page with conflict resolution, discipline and decision-making? Build a united front at home to face the many challenges you and your children face in the world.

The sacrifice of leaving the party early or cutting your hunting season short is small compared to the benefits of having someone to come home to who can get you through the tough and good times and still love you with morning breath and prickly armpits. Great marriages demand respect, communication and loving attention.

Go team family! (Oh, and sweetie, can you pick up some razors on your way home?)

Dealing With Houdinis

I have met several Houdinis in my life. I am married to one. This typical stress personality tends to shy away from conflict by shutting down emotionally or leaving the scene of the conflict physically. You may find Houdinis hiding out in the garage or tool shed, the basement or bathroom. When conflict comes their way, they will do anything to get away from it. They will change the subject, tune out, give in easily, or drop out of the relationship with no forwarding address.

This type of conflict resolution only leads to more trouble down the road. Houdinis have trouble expressing their true feelings in a situation, which leads to misunderstandings and larger conflicts down the road. Houdinis are often the ones in a marriage who will suppress their feelings with alcohol or drugs or who will one day come to you and say, "I don't love you anymore." It will be huge news to you, but they will say the trouble started long ago. They just didn't fill you in.

You will also see this personality in children. They tend to have fairly flexible and sunny or fearful and cautious temperaments. The flexible kids are hardwired for harmony. They want to please and not rock the boat. But this keeps them from sharing bad feelings and they are more likely to hold grudges. The fearful kids dislike change, which often happens when they share their true feelings. They're more comfortable with the trouble they know than what it could mean to work through a conflict and hope for something better. It could get worse, after all.

How do you keep your Houdini from making a disappearing act?

Acknowledge this personality and think about how you react to conflict. Are you a Houdini? Do you raise your voice like an Old Yeller? Do you stomp and throw things like a Dr. Jekyll? Old Yellers and Dr. Jekylls are quite frightening to Houdinis. Another Houdini is peaceful, but not helpful as you both stew in your own grudges and disappointments.

Stand your ground Houdini. Tame your yelling, Old Yeller. Take a walk, Dr. Jekyll. Then sit down and write a note, send an email or quietly discuss what is bothering you with the goal of finding a solution that works for both of you. It will be hard at first to change the hardwired habit when conflict looms. Recognize the struggle. Breathe. Talk through it even if it feels awkward and hurtful. If the other person needs a break, agree and schedule another time to revisit the issue when it's quiet.

If you can work through this in your adult relationships, you can model better communication with your children. So the next time they have a problem, you are the first one they turn to. That's what we all want as parents, right?