Stop and Listen

I've heard from many parents who say that their children have taught them so much about themselves...their capacity for love, gentleness, multi-tasking, patience...and just how little sleep they can get and still function.

Seriously, I believe that our children or any children who come into our lives can teach us about ourselves — just as our adult relationships help us understand our purpose and talents and weaknesses. The key is to be mindful of what each relationship and experience is trying to teach us.

It is often during conflict or doubt that we learn the most. When we struggle with a child, we must dip into our resources for problem-solving without getting mired in the emotions of the moment. Whether you are arguing with a 3-year-old or a 15-year-old, the view from the outside looks pretty ridiculous. Who is the adult in this picture?

We all want our feelings validated. We need others to acknowledge our joy or pain or confusion, or else we sense a void. Losing that connection to our children can be one of life's most frustrating experiences. We love them so much that it hurts, but we struggle to communicate these feelings when it comes to discipline and guidance. Some of us are too permissive. Some of us are too strict. Some of us are too distracted by our own "stuff."

Simple answers? Sorry. But I will say that the main thing our children want from us is time. We need to slow down long enough and often enough to catch the subtle and not so subtle cues for, "Hey, Mom. Hey, Dad. I need to talk to you about something really important. I want to spend time with you."

When a small child wants to crawl into your lap...When a teen hangs out in the garage around you, watching and not saying much...When a gradeschooler throws his bookbag and storms to his room...When your child wants to talk your ear off about every detail of her day...please stop and listen. Validate their feelings. Keep your stuff and your needs out of it. Wait for them to open up by practicing patience and the kind of love that feels so good that it hurts.

Remember: patience is practiced through empathy, mindfulness, and self-leadership. Put yourself in your child's shoes, stay in the moment, and view parenting as your greatest act of service to the world.

Keep watching for the cues to open communication and spend time throughout your children's lives. They will continue to need you. And you will learn even more about yourself.

The Love and Jealousy of Siblings

Lately, my two daughters have shown an overabundance of love towards me. They will fight over who gets to sit by me at a restaurant and will choose to ride with me in my car instead of with their father. My 3-year-old is frightened of going anywhere unless she knows that I'm going along. My 6-year-old wants me to play the same games and read the same stories to her as to her sister.

As much as I Iove the affection and attention, I know that their fondness is not about me. It's about oneupmanship. It's about competition. They are naturally seeking to understand how they rate with each other in the estimation of a loved one.

Don't play the game, parents. It's too easy to fall into comparisons of your children or judgments based on their skills or behavior. Be conscientious of their attempts to compete for your attention and find ways to dole it out with fairness and wisdom.

An easy way to create fairness is to require the kids to take turns. One sits by you this time, the next kid gets his turn, and so on.

Create special one-on-one time with each child. It doesn't have to be the same activity, but involves attention with just them. Take one to a coffee shop to play a board game. Take another fishing. Plan reading time with each. Encourage one-on-one interaction through family chores like inviting one along to the car wash or raking up spring leaves together. Allow the kids to take turns choosing their favorite meal for the month and let them help you prepare it.

If one parent is becoming "the favorite," encourage the kids to do things with the other parent, letting them know that it's important to spend time with both of you to learn different things and have different fun. If you're a single parent, promises of one-on-one time are more challenging, but can be remedied with the help of a trusted friend or grandparent. Even if you have an outing with one child once a month — as simple as running errands together and getting an ice cream — it builds their sense of self and their connection to you as a positive influence.

The sibling rivalry factor will be lifelong, but harmless if you avoid comparisons and acknowledge each child's unique qualities and talents.

As for the favorite parent thing, I quickly learned my place on the love meter when we had lunch with Nana the other day. I sat alone on my side of the booth.