Anger Management With Children

Teach Them to Pray

2012-01-28T13:50:00.003-06:00

I saw this wonderful post on a friend's Facebook page this week, and want to pass on the steps for talking to kids about unanswered prayers.

God hears our prayers and answers them, but according to his will, not ours. This author at Christian Mom Thoughts explains it so much better.

And then there's this verse, if you doubt God's love or concern for us.

Luke 11:1-13

It doesn't always seem like God is listening, but this could also be said for any busy parent. We love our children and want to give them the best of everything, but not everything is in their best interests. When it seems like we're being unfair or inattentive, it's really because we have wisdom to see the future consequences of choices for our children. They want an answer right away, but we might need time to give the right answer.

And sometimes we also let them make decisions on their own — and we allow them to face the consequences.

It is a tender balance of holding tight and letting go in any relationship. But if our holding tight or letting go is done in love for the wellbeing of the other person, we can trust that God will use all for good.

I hope this post finds you in good health and practicing patient parenting, answering your children's requests with love and thoughtful consideration. They might not always like you, but that promise was never in the parent job description anyway.

If I missed that memo, please let me know!

2011-12-28T13:54:00.004-06:00

It's a New Year soon! What a great time to think about random ways to pay it forward in the next 12 months. Here is one suggestion from DailyPayitForward.com

"Wednesday December 28, 2011
The next time I pick up flowers at the supermarket, whether for my own home or as a gift for someone, as I leave, I'll pull one flower out in the parking lot and secure it under the windshield wiper of the car next to mine. As I drive away, I'll thank my Higher Power for the ability to share joy anonymously."

Also, check out Rachel's Challenge, and the essay that sparked a whole new movement to pay it forward through other high school kids like her.

One final idea: When your kids get their allowance or money from family, encourage them to put 10 percent aside for giving. If they get $10, just $1 is set aside. But that money adds up, and it's fun to let the kids decide which causes they care about. It also gets them into the habit of thinking of others with their money.

Love and light to you all!
Matthew 25

Raising ‘Nice’ Kids Isn’t Enough — Develop Their Strength Too

2011-10-31T15:05:00.003-06:00

“I don’t want to wear this dress,” my 8-year-old insists during a recent school morning. The mornings always seem rushed, always pushed to the last millisecond of packed lunches, brushed teeth, socks and shoes and keys and backpacks locked and loaded.

In haste, I dismiss her opinion and say, “Just get dressed. We only have 20 minutes.” Turning away, my eyes catch a hint of her crinkled expression — a mild “hmmph” thrown at my back.

Twenty years later, I can say with confidence that I did the best I could with the tools in my parenting toolkit. I can listen some afternoon at my kitchen table as my daughter complains that her husband doesn’t listen, doesn’t hear her. That her opinions don’t seem to count.

I can pat her hand, sigh heavily and tell her that men aren’t taught to listen.

Yeah, I’m not going to do that.

How can it be in this age of self-awareness and self-indulgence that I see young girls — and boys — apologizing without provocation, remaining silent, smiling through injury or cleaning up someone else’s psychological garbage? “Oh, it’s OK! She didn’t really mean that!”

No, it’s not okay. Put down the It's Okay Mop and step away from that social vomit, girls and boys! It really stinks!

Parents will beam with pride when a child politely accepts a sticker from a salesperson or eats every bite on the dinner plate. But we will shake our heads in disbelief when that previously "happy” child develops a “mean streak,” starts responding in two-word sentences or adds a blotch of purple dye to his or her hair.

One way or another, people find a way to be heard. They find a way to be seen, noticed and acknowledged. To deny an authentic humanity can lead to either self-destruction or an eventual build up of pressure that leads to outward destruction of everything that touches them.

Eventually, we become inert and not fully alive or we become explosive and psychotic. Of course, those are extremes; there are people of all shades in between. But there is also an alternative.

Mary Oliver wrote a poem, “In Blackwater Woods,” where she speaks of the changing season and reflects on the loss and salvation that comes from letting go. As parents, we have to know when to take hold of our children and steer them in the right direction and when to loosen our anxious grip and let them be fully themselves. We can only do that, though, if we’ve learned to do it too.

Stand up for yourself. Let go of petty differences. Find peace in the storm.

This balance is as difficult to locate sometimes as the balance between work and play, love and hate, contentment and restlessness. So we will muddle along, trying to choose our words with our children more carefully, allowing some discomfort when they publicly speak their minds, understanding that mothers and daughters and fathers and sons won’t always agree.

But on one thing I hope we can all agree. Honor and respect and love begin at home — whether you are showing it to someone at age 1 or 100 — then it flows out into the world. A child grounded in a strong faith and value system who can speak up without shame or doubt, but who can also show love and respect to those of differing opinions, will be better equipped to function in this world and contribute boundless gifts.

Instead of half-alive people pleasers, victims or extremists, we’ll raise the next generation of strong and influential peacekeepers — purple hair optional.

The men and women I know and respect are the ones who don’t take abuse lying down. And they handle it with a smile and a firm upper lip. They know who they are and whose they are.

So I say let’s not raise NICE girls and boys. Let’s raise STRONG ones. Because you’re all stronger than you know.

Deuteronomy 4:9

2011-06-02T13:34:00.003-06:00

“Tomato plant.”

These words are my newest stop sign for worrying.

It happened a few days ago. It was windy, but finally sunny. The kids in the neighborhood were riding their bikes and jumping on trampolines. The neighbors were mowing their soggy lawns. I had just finished planting over three boxes of onions and some pole beans. My lower back was sunburned in the narrow gap between my shirt and the top of my jeans.

Earlier in the day, I went to church, cleaned the kitchen, wrapped gifts for two upcoming birthday parties and helped with homework.

As I got the kids to bed that night, I thought about the coming week. I thought about the laundry. I thought about doing some work on my computer.

My youngest, age 7, was in her bed with a book. She tugged on my arm.

“Mommy, could you bring my tomato plant into the garage tonight so it doesn’t freeze?” She had heard the weather report about one more chance of frost that night, death to any sun-loving plant like the tomato.

Her tomato plant was still sitting on a small table outside our front door. I told her to place it there for some sun in the afternoon.

Under my daughter’s watchful care, this particular tomato plant sprouted and grew at school, destined to be a Mother’s Day gift along with an eggplant and zinnias. She carefully labeled the milk carton planters and proudly presented her plants to me one day after school. She told me that some of the kids didn’t have plants because theirs died.

She wanted to plant hers in our garden right away, but I told her that the weather was too cold for the plants to be outside yet. So she placed them on the workbench in our garage. Every other day she added water.

I nodded my head. “Okay. Yes. Thanks for reminding me.”

I hugged and kissed my girls, said goodnight to my husband and proceeded to sit at my desk for two or three hours, fretting over my to-do list for the week.

The next morning I quickly showered, got dressed and headed to school to supervise an hour of marching band practice. My daughter found me in the gym. She told me she loved me and blew me a kiss before heading to class.

I headed home to grab some coffee and my computer before driving to St. Paul for work. I came into my driveway and that’s when I saw them. Three little milk cartons covered in construction paper. Red pencils lined up in each carton as plant stakes. Wilted and wet brown leaves.

I forgot about her tomato plant.

Kids don’t usually ask for much: “Play with me.” “Tuck me in bed.” “Can you get me a glass of water?” “Read me a story.” So this latest question cuts to the core.

“Mommy, could you bring my tomato plant into the garage tonight so it doesn’t freeze?”

There is a big reason that God tells us not to worry. Worry distracts us from focusing on what’s important right now! Worrying about tomorrow or about the past won’t change it. But we can make a difference right now. We can do what we promise before it’s too late. Jesus said, “Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.”

What’s your stop sign for worry? What have you failed at or forgotten to do in the distraction of your lists, selfish worries and troubles? A plant can be replaced, but a person’s trust and love is a far different matter and needs deep concentration every day for us to stay on the right path. Avoid distraction from your true purpose. Don’t leave your priorities in the cold.

Matthew 7:13-14

2011-04-10T18:21:00.003-06:00

“God never gives us more than we can handle.”

This is a saying I’ve heard frequently. Now I realize that it doesn’t make any sense.

First of all, this saying is used to help people feel better about stress or hard times. So we must assume by this use that God is the one handing us trouble.

It also seems to say that God decides when we’ve reached our “full” point for stress or trouble. Then he stops piling on the trouble.

But really, terrible things DO happen to people. They have loved ones die suddenly. They are diagnosed with scary illnesses. They experience natural disasters and all kinds of injuries.

Those experiences aren’t exactly the kind we just “handle.”

In fact, this saying is the absolute opposite of what God is, does or expects of us. God is not responsible for giving us trouble. God also isn’t our personal light switch for turning off troubles. Sometimes our troubles continue even after we pray for them to stop. Loved ones don’t come back from the dead. Illnesses don’t go away. Natural disasters and injuries require a long time for healing.

God also never promised that our lives would be trouble free, even after we’ve consecrated our lives to His service.

So if God doesn’t give us trouble, and doesn’t necessarily stop trouble and doesn’t promise a trouble-free life, then…what exactly does He do? And why should we pray to Him or believe in Him?

A lot of people wonder about this — especially in tough times. They feel alone. They believe that handling things is completely up to them. And at some point they experience things that go well beyond what they can handle. Nonbelievers watch people who believe in God experience just as many tragedies...sometimes more and many worse things.

So where is God in that?

Actually, He is everywhere.

If we look closely, God is the kind words of a friend...or a stranger. He is the green light. He is the perfect song on the radio. He is the blooming tulips and warm breeze. He is a child’s hug and a good night's sleep. He is all the things that are going right and all the people who treat us like beautiful human beings…who lighten the load and lift us up.

God is also the trial that builds our integrity and character. He is the critic who calls us to account for our mistakes. He is the warning bell to change direction. He is the close call. He is the mirror. He is the walk in the desert.

God can take our troubles and create good from them: Romans 8:28

He picks us up, walks with us through the storm and calms our fears: Psalm 23

One of the most frequent commands in the Bible is, “Do not be afraid.” This is because we are never alone in our tragedies and sorrows. Instead of relying on our own strength to navigate life, figure things out and endure every small and large catastrophe, we should surrender and rely on God.

He is there. He is just waiting for us to say, “I need you. I can’t do this by myself. In fact, I can’t handle anything. Please, take over. Show me what you can do.”

Then He’ll show you.

God doesn’t give us trouble. He gives us Himself. He never asked us to "handle" our life. He wants us to "hand" it over.

That's why He's called the Savior.

Eat, Pray, Love and Grace

2011-01-17T00:14:00.004-06:00

I finally sat down to watch the movie, “Eat, Pray, Love.” It is already available as a seven-day rental, so I know I’ve waited a while to experience the book by movie. I missed watching it in the theater with some girlfriends several months ago…and I’m glad for that intervention.

When the book came out, I remember reading it in a tent along the shores of Lake Mille Lacs. Lying in the heat of July, I completely identified with the lost woman, but not the one who found herself in the end. Her hopelessness in some way justified my own shrunken heart. Meanwhile, I was missing my life. That year I didn’t buy or wrap my children’s Christmas gifts. I felt trapped in my house, my marriage, my choices.

Sometimes now I sit in church and this ocean of warmth washes over me and I feel as though my face is shining. But it’s not just in church. It’s when I bring ibuprofen to my husband with a glass of water. It’s when my daughter sits by me on the couch knitting a hat. It’s when I stir a pot of homemade chili or feel the water hit my face in the shower.

My life may look the same on the outside as it was a few years ago. I didn’t travel around the world to find myself. I didn’t change my house, my religion or my husband. This life of grace is the most extraordinary ordinary. And if I think about it too much or try to hold it, it floats away like smoke.

There are still times when the burdens and regrets of this world sink in and I miss the call. A smiling woman gives me directions as I rush back to the parking garage after an exhausting day, and I am too late to smile and thank her. The frozen foods dealer stands in my front entry and talks briefly of his mother’s recent death, and I’m at a loss for words of comfort. Days go by before I take time to read that bedtime story.

But this, too, is grace. At least I recognize the missed opportunities now. I’m no longer absorbed in petty frustrations and resentments and jealousies. I have nothing to consume, earn or acquire. My heart is growing more spacious, softer and open for business.

I’m struck by how often I want to reach out and touch the shoulder of someone as we speak about our day, our children, our plans. I share their happiness and pain far more acutely than I could have imagined not long ago. That tactile connection to them, a touch however brief, says that they are real and breathing and valuable. Right here. Right now.

Some people I can’t touch. I send them love and light anyway, hoping and knowing that it’s enough. A silent prayer for their health and welfare. For peace. For grace.

After all, this life is no longer mine to control and bend to my will. Whether I see with my eyes or with my heart, it’s all happening in its own time and its own perfect outcomes. So many things have happened in this more spacious heart that I could have never engineered them. So many sad. So many difficult and defeating. So many wondrous and unexplainable. But all necessary and leading to a devotion and faith that only a child would understand. I am becoming that child, not from innocence or foolishness but from love, service and wisdom.

Just the other day, I had the opportunity to be with another who is also growing a more spacious heart. Struggling against the loneliness that sometimes comes from feeling outside of this world, she asked me, “But can God come down and give me a hug when I need one?”

And I said, “Yes. He gives it from me and anyone who loves you. And then you pass it on.”

I try to walk slower now. I try to hug longer. The holy words gathered up like daily bread often leap from the page to greet me. When I sing, it feels like a story that began in anger and desperation, moved through humiliation and shame and is resolving itself in worship…not to a person or things or self but to the One who is and is to come. He is the only one who deserves my song anyway. And it is good.

It is good in the extraordinary ordinary moments, when a deli owner lets me in after closing, makes me the most beautiful turkey sandwich and tells me I can pay him next week. When I play Barbie salon for two hours with a seven-year-old who won't always be seven. When the propane bill is less than expected. When a stranger walks by and gives me the peace sign.

This grace makes so much sense that I can’t make sense of who I used to be. I can only write and sing and smile, feel the warmth and remember that it is always well with my soul.

Psalm 40

Taking Care of God's Stuff

2010-11-21T14:14:00.012-06:00

I would die for my children…no question. If it came down to me or them, I’m hanging up my life lines. Maybe it’s because they came out of my own body, but my love for them is truly unconditional.

So why are adult relationships so darn difficult? Why do the hurts that come at the hands of siblings, parents, spouses or friends override the unconditional love meter? Why do we think and act in ways that hurt others?

I’m reminded of the one simple call of the Christian faith…love God with all your heart, all your mind and all your strength…and love your neighbor as yourself.

In other words, love as Christ loves.

In theory this sounds so warm and fuzzy and wonderful. But you must picture a human man, around the age of 32, beaten and whipped to an unrecognizable pulp, forced to carry a cross, stripped almost naked, nailed on that cross, stabbed, spit on, cursed and left to die. Abandoned by even his closest friends on this earth and even feeling abandoned by God, he demonstrates in agonizing finality how Christians are to love in spite of humiliation, hatred, tragedy and betrayal.

Max Lucado shares the story of a woman who cares for her dying father despite enduring years of his sexual abuse. Her father never did apologize or acknowledge her pain, but she was by his side at the end and she realized that he was in a prison of his own making…and by forgiving him, she was free of that prison.

Society demands justice. Jesus demands love…no excuses.

When I was confirmed at 16, it is painful to realize now that I still wasn’t a Christian and wouldn’t be for many years. I had learned all the laws and rules, but didn’t understand the commitment I was really making or the personal relationship I needed to have. It wasn’t about choosing Jesus only when it suited me. It wasn’t about sitting in a church pew. It certainly wasn’t about good deeds or being “nice.” It wasn’t even about belief in God. All of that was a wonderful start, but it wasn’t even close to what was expected of me. And my life completely reflected my level of commitment and my level of love.

To follow Christ is to literally lay down your life…give it all to Him. It is no longer your own life…to pick and choose how and when you will love or even how you will live. It’s not YOUR money or YOUR talent or YOUR family or YOUR body. You and your stuff are owned by God. And if you treat God’s things as precious gifts, they will remain precious gifts. You won’t waste, abuse or neglect them. You are simply the caretaker. Will God’s gifts grow and prosper or will they wither?

"Love your neighbor” means ALL THE TIME. Because your neighbor is also God's stuff. Are you taking care of your neighbor or are you abusing, neglecting and blaming?

It’s easy to love people who love us in return. But the true life of a Christian is to love our neighbors so much that we put them and their well being and happiness before our own. We are called to give until it kills us, forgive and ask forgiveness, pray for others, ask for strength to do His will, and work behind the scenes without expectation of thanks. Because that's what Jesus did. No excuses.

A good Christian friend of mine once gave some inspired words that stick with me to this day. My life had gone about as bad as it could go and she didn’t sympathize. Being the friend she was, she simply said this:

“Suck it up, sugar.”

Suck it up. Turn around. Take care of God's stuff. It’s not too late.

Romans 6
John 13:35

Stripped Naked

2010-10-15T14:43:00.003-06:00

“If you’re not completely naked, wrap your beautiful robe of words around you, and sleep.” –Rumi, Ode 314

Rumi was a Sufi poet who often wrote about his love affair with God…comparing his ecstasy to passionate human love. His words still catch the breath in my throat for their simplicity and gorgeous imagery.

I think it is true that the wiser a person becomes, the less they have to say. Lectures give way to poetry. It reminds me of a display at the Chicago Museum of Science and Industry this summer that shared simple wisdom by people who had reached 100 years of age or more:

“I just always wanted to keep going.”
“I read my Bible every day.”
“I laugh.”

When I asked my almost 90-year-old grandfather for some advice on aging well, he simply said, “Eat tomatoes.”

By contrast, as soon as my hands found a pen at age 15, they were intent on recording, analyzing and judging the world at length. Many poor souls tumbled into my words. I even had a column in a women’s magazine titled “Taking My Own Advice.” What I meant was YOU take it. I don’t need any advice. In fact, I have all the answers. Just ask me.

In the space reserved for wise silences, I inserted my voice. Frankly, silence was terrifying. As I chattered away, I felt more real and visible. It didn’t matter if what I said was necessary or wanted or true. The fear of invisibility overwhelmed any common sense.

Now I know that God is in the silence…and I can finally rest there. He can only save this world through human beings, but he can’t work through us until we turn to Him silent and empty. Stripped naked. Ripe and wide open.

In that turning, life becomes less complex and scary. It only requires a few essentials that don’t need explanation anyway.

Laugh. Be kind. Keep going. Eat tomatoes.

Psalm 46:10

Random Acts of Ordinary

2010-09-14T21:23:00.004-06:00

“In order to arrive at being everything, desire to be nothing.” — John of the Cross

Do you ever take stock of your day and wonder whether or not you made a difference to anyone? Sometimes it can feel like nothing interesting happened. Or maybe it was that we weren’t paying attention.

This morning a sunrise followed me all the way to work. It started out brilliant cotton candy pink and developed into the most gorgeous cloudy sunrays. I realized that whether I was at home or in St. Paul, MN, I had the opportunity to enjoy this beauty. Sitting in traffic and marveling at the sunlight poring through the clouds in “God” rays, I wondered how many people in their cars next to me were experiencing this moment and how many missed it.

On Monday, I was standing in line at the grocery store. A man ahead of me had a bottle of water to purchase. I figured it would be a quick purchase, so I waited with my one item behind him. Instead, the purchase took about five minutes as the man tried unsuccessfully to use his food debit card. I thought I was being so righteous by smiling and waiting patiently. But maybe I missed an opportunity to simply offer to pay for his water!

Later I took my daughter to have some dinner at a local fast food restaurant. An older woman came in behind us and ordered her dinner. Then she proceeded to find a seat and eat alone. Again, did I miss an opportunity to invite her to join us?

Maybe this sounds over the top in terms of kindness or service. Or maybe we miss too many opportunities like these. Our busy lives feel full, but could they be fuller — richer — if we saw the truth and opportunity behind each encounter? Could we move past our fears of rejection and doubt and conflict and do the right things anyway?

So what if we look weird or the other person rejects our offer? The point is that we stepped out of our comfort zone and made an attempt at connection and plain old kindness.

Seeing an opportunity and acting on it takes practice. We have to ignore the tabloids in the checkout line, stop the running commentary in our heads with its lists and obligations and worries, open our eyes and observe what the heck is going on around us.

Life happens mostly in ordinary time. In the midst of our routine, mundane and run-of- the-mill moments, there is potential for the miraculous. If we’re too busy trying to be somebody, trying to fix something, avoid something or move ahead, we might miss out on being really useful.

Pay attention. Your life is happening right now. And somebody really needs you today.

Being Sure of What We Hope For

2010-08-09T13:45:00.004-06:00

Wowie! My new website has finally launched! I am very excited to continue the practice of patient parenting and kindness through this blog and the resources at The Patient Parent.

Many thanks to Kristin Smith, a true graphic design star with Francis and Wool Studios. who lent her creativity to my new site and launched it into cyberspace.

I also thank the countless parents and children, friends and family, writers, editors, child care providers and teachers who have supported me over the last five years to bring the message of patience to a national audience. I feel very blessed to have the opportunity to share my writing, to encourage parents to read to their children with “Nat Knows Bananas,” and to actually live the message that I share.

Many thanks to my sister, Joy Hierlmaier, who provided illustrations for the “Nat Knows Bananas” book. You are always ENOUGH, beautiful woman.

It’s been a long road, and definitely worth the pain and delayed gratification!

Speaking of patience, I want to share one little story about my six-year-old. We were sitting at dinner on Saturday night: she and me and my 9-year-old, Nat, my sister Laura and her daughter, and my mother. Three generations of women — we had all been through a lot in the past four years and were celebrating a peaceful moment and long overdue reunion.

In front of us was a lovely meal of red potatoes and cucumbers from my garden, a fresh salad my sister whipped up, some surprisingly tasty tofu chicken nuggets (shh, don’t tell the kids) and warm bread. My heart filled with gratitude as I looked around the table.

Then my six-year-old piped up and said, “We need to pray.”

Her prayers are usually very creative and sometimes long, often a replay of the day’s activities. She thanked God for our time at the county fair and for the carnival rides and for winning at BINGO ($11 which she stuffed into her purse before quickly leaving the game!) and also for the good food.

Then after a short pause, she said, “And please help all the bad people to be good. Amen.”

It may be a long time before all the “bad” people are “good” in this world. But I believe that a child’s prayer for such a wonderful thing is heard loud and clear. However you define bad or good, I invite you to pray for goodness in everyone’s life. It might take years to see it, but NEVER give up hope.

Hebrews 11:1 God bless to all the patient parents out there...and let me know what you think of the new site! Pass it on!

Guard Your Children From A Reputation

2010-06-15T19:26:00.002-06:00

“It was a recipe for disaster…” —Barenaked Ladies

Until they begin school, children are not too concerned about what other people think of them. They are who they are…screaming for a treat in a store or laughing out loud in church or farting at the dinner table.

School is the great teacher of expectations and rules. Beyond our parents, we learn in school how to behave in groups, respect personal space and property and meet learning goals. Our reputation begins to develop as either a well-mannered, quiet, helpful and attentive student or perhaps an inattentive, anxious, bullying, loud or enthusiastic rule breaker. There is a rainbow of reputations in between, but you get the picture.

Reputations are a slippery slope. If your teachers constantly call you quiet, smart and serious (as mine did), then the little rebel in you begins to plot her escape. If you are praised as a top performer or perfectionist, you might spend loads of energy and adrenalin worrying about the day you are knocked off the mountain. If you are labeled a failure, you might never consider climbing the mountain.

Families, communities, companies and countries have reputations. Families call it a legacy or a curse. Communities call it tradition or blight. Companies call it a brand or a crisis. Countries call it patriotism or terrorism. Society is grounded in reputation. Either you have a “good” one or you don’t…and you should be greatly concerned about that. Um, shouldn't you?

It takes a lot of blood, sweat, tears and aging to realize that reputations are like the shadow of a tree. As old Abe Lincoln said, “The tree is the real thing.” If you could really see the tree instead of just its shadow, what would you think? What would other people think?

If we want to raise future leaders, we should guard our children from the reputation trap. Reputation is the face we show to the world that gets us noticed, attracts a certain crowd and helps us achieve our “place in society.” Reputation makes us believe that once we’ve arrived in that place, we should live there forever. We don’t have a choice…people expect us to be this way. Good. Bad. Ugly. Sick. Spectacular.

But far better than a person of reputation is a person of character. People of character are messy and complex and human. They’ve faced themselves in the mirror and decided that no matter where they’ve been or what they’ve done or who the heck people think they are, they are really a sparkly piece of life — a purity and truth that only they can really know. And they can change and share that truth.

People of character also own up to their failures and more easily forgive the failures of others. They take the risk of showing who they really are — by how they live, love and let go. After the humiliations and silences and confusion and praise that may result, people of character discover that their place in society was just the shell on a delicious peanut. Shuck it.

I love the quote that says, “What people think of me is none of my business.” Imagine if our children kept the freedom that they had as toddlers…just being alive in every moment and discovering new talents and loving to help others. Imagine if we were more concerned with the heart of a person than what that person has done or failed to do. It's easier with little kids, isn't it?

Society may continue to move to the beating drum of reputations. But my dearest prayer for my children is to walk in the light and freedom of character…even if that means they laugh out loud in church sometimes. (Farting is accidental...I hope.)

Mountains, Valleys and Marathons

2010-04-21T08:15:00.005-06:00

Humility is realizing that a lovely, smiling grandmother, a race walker and several hundred people of all shapes, sizes and ages have just left you in their dust in a half marathon.

The very idea of walking 13.1 miles, let alone running it, wouldn’t have occurred to me a year ago. Now a participant medal and my bib number, #1051, are attached to my home office bulletin board. April 17, 2010. It’s kind of surreal.

So are the thoughts that go through your mind during a race of that length — and sometimes the blankness of your mind — while bystanders ring bells and hoot and clap and the scenery changes from neighborhood streets to rough trails to parking lots.

I had a mix of music for the run that ranged from pumped-up Black Eyed Peas to gutsy Barley Girl. Half the time I didn’t hear it as my mind chattered on about an upcoming incline or annoyance at losing my pace in a sudden jam of runners.

Halfway through the race you start to bargain and give yourself pep talks. “I can make it to the next mile marker.” “Okay, I can make it to the next sign.” “Okay, the next person who starts walking…I can catch that person!!!”

At times you are alone. Then you are in a crowd. Then a different crowd. Then alone again.

You get mad at yourself for not training harder, for being slow, for thinking too much, for not having more fans cheering you on, for being envious of the faster runners.

Just when you think you must be one of the last people to get through this unbelievable trial, somebody shouts to you: “Quarter mile; you’re almost there!” “Finish right around the corner!” Something in you revives. You believe you’re going to make it. Your legs start to pump, you hear the music again and run down a chute to cheers and clapping and someone announcing your name.

You find out later that a few people didn’t finish. They signed up. They trained. But they either didn’t show up or didn’t finish what they started. That, too, is humbling.

Standing on the other side of the finish line, I felt a bit surprised. Did I really just do that? Could I do it again? Could I do it better now that I know the terrain, the pace, the obstacles and opportunities? Lord, I hope so.

I hate to make the tired comparison that a long race is just like life, but there are too many similarities to discount. I don’t know if I’ll ever run that distance again, but it is one of just a few times (so far) when I have been simultaneously humbled and overjoyed.

Now take that mountaintop experience and translate it to the every day ordinary encounters, the project deadline, a struggling friend, the housework, a sick child or community need. To be simultaneously humbled and full of joy in those moments is a much better measure of success.

When I am at the end of my life (yes, the final and ultimate race), I hope to look back with both humility and joy. I want to be surprised by my capacity to love, work, apologize and forgive. If I have a cheering section, I hope it comes from heaven. And when I meet my God, I hope he announces my name.

When in Doubt, Go to the Balcony

2010-01-26T18:23:00.002-06:00

I read somewhere that when you dream about being in a house, it often represents aspects of yourself.

Last night, I dreamt that I was in a house — filled with clutter. It didn’t seem to be my house or my clutter, but I felt that I had to clean it up. Then I noticed the cat puke. The living room rug was covered with different spots of cat puke. Some of them had been doused with rug cleaner and were already bubbling. The others I started to spray myself.

But the whole time, I knew that this wasn’t my house and these weren’t my cats. It wasn’t my mess. I was frustrated about the mess, but more frustrated that I was there in the first place.

Had I climbed to the balcony of this house in my dream, it may have shown me a way out or at least shown me the actual size of the problem. I may have realized that we all have our messes to clean up, but focusing on our own mess first is always best.

The minute we start bending and hovering over another person’s mess, we’re on our hands and knees with a bottle of rug cleaner looking foolish. But from the balcony the people and situations look more alike — fragile and messy and hopeful — backs bent and heads bowed, an authentic picture of survival and learning and living.

From the balcony, we can look up and out and over. There is better lighting. Sound carries farther. It isn’t a place to hide or sit in judgment, but a place to rest and reflect.

Climbing out of the crowds to a higher place and view is not meant to separate us from our responsibilities. It is simply a breath…a stepping back from the ledge…so we can return to the crowds to do and act and serve in healthy ways.

And we have to return. Contemplation for its own sake — without right action — is just as foolish. If we stay in the balcony too long, it becomes its own distraction from reality.

Any mother will tell you that there is always something to clean or fix. But we should always take time to discern our own mess from someone else’s.

As we teach our kids, so we teach ourselves:

1. If it’s your mess, clean it up.
2. If it isn’t your mess, ask how you can help.
3. If your help is not requested or acknowledged, take a break in the balcony.
4. Return to #1.

Slapped in the Head

2009-12-15T14:47:00.006-06:00

Monday morning. After dropping off my girls at the bus stop, I drove into my driveway and reached for the garage door remote. It was gone. It is normally clipped to my sun visor, but it wasn’t there anymore.

Keep in mind that it was 7:30. I was up at 5:30 that day and had already been to the gym, whipped up some French toast and gotten two tired girls ready for school.

No shower yet, and I was locked out of my house.

Did it occur to me that I had just used the remote to close the garage door before going to the bus stop? No. I was in full panic mode. It was easier to assume that my husband took it.

Pre-caffeine logic told me that perhaps his remote didn’t work this morning. In his haste, he grabbed mine…thinking that I would be home all day and wouldn’t need it.

I laughed a little and decided to forgive him, and drove to town to get my remote from his truck. On the way, I enjoyed a little holiday music. I patted myself on the back for being so patient. (“Yes, I am a good wife. I am very patient. My husband is fortunate to have such a patient wife. He should realize how patient I am.”)

It was a bitterly cold day. I got out of my car and flipped up the hood of my jacket. That’s when I felt the garage door remote slap me in the back of the head.

It must have fallen into my jacket while I twisted around to stuff lunch money into the girls’ backpacks.

I never got angry. It seems like that red monster is no longer a big factor in my life. It takes a lot to rile me up.

I didn't feel embarrassed either. I called up my husband and told him how silly I was.

But in the final analysis, it seems that two old dogs, Judgment and Pride, are still hot on my trail.

I immediately assumed that my husband took the remote and inconvenienced me — the residue of past wounds. And when I reacted with patience instead of anger, I felt soooo proud of myself. ("I am such a good and understanding wife.")

Phooey. No wonder I couldn’t find the remote. I was blinded by judgment and pride.

Whenever we think we know someone soooo well, judgment tells us to always expect the same result from them. People don't change, judgment says. We don't see evidence to the contrary because we are too busy looking for evidence to keep them on the naughty list.

And whenever we feel the slightest sense of superiority for our views, knowledge, talent or "selfless" acts …that’s pride, baby.

We end up blind, deaf and lame. Locked out of the house. Shivering in the cold and stinky from that workout.

After this latest misadventure, all I know is that I don’t know anything. Somehow there’s peace in the not knowing, the not judging, the not assuming. There is peace in seeing every person and experience with fresh eyes day by day.

Try it with your kids, your love, your friends or co-workers. It's more refreshing than a slap in the head!

GrATTITUDE on the Path to True Love

2009-10-18T15:26:00.003-06:00

Minnesota weather has not exactly treated us kindly in the last couple of weeks. We could be fairly justified in our feelings of annoyance with a frigid fall and a very short summer.

And yet, how does it really hurt us? In Minnesota, weather is a fun topic of conversation that bridges all cultures and backgrounds. We never know what it will bring from one day to the next. Besides, when more than three weeks of snow or three weeks of heat hit us, many of us Minnesotans start getting antsy for change.

So hooray for crazy Minnesota weather!!!

On the path to true love, attitude is everything. You CAN make lemonade out of lemons. In fact, you can make a three-layer lemon meringue tart when you really get this idea of love.

Instead of my usual grumbling and depression about the cold this year, I was strangely surprised that it didn’t even bother me. Instead, I marveled at the beauty of the early snowflakes and got excited about wearing tights and fun boots. I thought about enjoying my canned tomatoes in chili and soups. I thought about all the indoor projects and writing I could focus on once the snow really falls. I thought about tubing and skating with my girls.

One of my friends asked me recently: “Are you watching too much Oprah?”

Nope, I just finally woke up from a long slumber of bad attitude. And WHAM! Gratitude hit me right up side the head. My mind and my life haven’t been the same since.

Case in point: The other day my husband and Nats went fishing. It was a pretty cold day, so I insisted on making them sandwiches and sending along some soup in a thermos even though my husband said I didn’t have to bother. But I did it. I stopped working on my computer, came upstairs and helped them get ready — cheerfully. Now I’m sure that many wives and mothers just do this because it’s the right thing to do. Many of them might even do it cheerfully.

Unfortunately, a couple years ago I would have probably sent them on their way without lunch — GRATEFUL that at least a couple family members were out of the house so I could work (or sulk or whatever I did back then).

This time was different. I made the lunch and I felt good that I could be helpful. When my husband got ready to leave for fishing, he gave me one of those long hugs that you feel in your bones and soak up like sunshine because it’s so sincere. He thanked me and said he loved me.

If I died today, I would die happy because of that hug. And THAT, my friends, is gratitude. No matter what comes your way, if you face it with gratitude and see the blessing (or important lesson) in each moment — your mind and life will never be the same.

It will be miraculous.

Humility on the Path to True Love

2009-09-26T10:30:00.001-06:00

“Sometime in your life, hope that you might see one starved man, the look on his face when the bread finally arrives. Hope that you might have baked it or bought or even kneaded it yourself. For that look on his face, for your meeting his eyes across a piece of bread, you might be willing to lose a lot, or suffer a lot, or die a little, even.”

—Daniel Berrigan

I won’t say anything about humility much better than Daniel Berrigan, but I have been thinking about humility for a while now — and why it’s so hard to practice.

Fighting for what we need is human instinct. An infant won’t be fed or changed or picked up unless he fusses and frets and demands attention.

“Look at me! I’m important! I need something from you!”

When children begin to realize that they are separate from their parents, they also develop a self-centered view. They strive every day to control and conquer.

A friend of mine illustrated this beautifully when she said that her toddler likes to climb on top of things, but he doesn’t know how to get down. So he screams in frustration until mom or dad helps him.

Skills like patience and empathy aren’t natural. We think of ourselves first, then we might consider the needs of others. Independence and individualism are celebrated. We clap when baby takes her first steps away from us, when she feeds herself and — halleluia — when she can climb in and buckle her own seatbelt.

Soon she’s stepping on the school bus, going to sleepovers and making decisions about her friends, behavior and morals. If those decisions aren’t consciously grounded in values like empathy, honesty, patience and kindness, the child will default to reactive choices that are best for her in the moment.

“That toy is mine! I need it more than you do! You don’t matter to me!”

We become little kings and queens protecting our domain and using others to go where we want to go, get what we can get and be who we want to be. And society tells us for the most part that it’s okay to strive and achieve and be somebody.

Still, when we hear stories of people who risk or deny their own lives to save or help others, something moves within us. We feel inspired. We feel hopeful.

In fact, ordinary people are serving each other every day. When they get their kids ready for school, when they show up for their jobs, when they run errands for the family or help in their communities and churches, they are providing a service and keeping society afloat.

The question we must ask ourselves then is this: Are we simply giving in order to get? What’s our motivation?

If I go to work, I’ll get paid. If I help in the community or my church, I’ll look good, get a better opportunity or earn favors from others. If I run this errand, then no one will bother me the rest of the day. If I do this for my spouse, he better give me something in return. If the kids have what they need, they better show some appreciation.

If the self is always our motivation, then we will never be satisfied. At some point, people will disappoint us, abandon us or reject us.

When disappointment comes, we can climb on a counter and scream at the top of our lungs. We can build a wall to prevent further disappointment. Or we can shrug it off and focus on the next opportunity to please ourselves.

OR…we can shift our motivation.

If pride is love of self, humility is not its opposite — sacrifice of self — at least not in the way we think. “Look at me. I’m such a loser. I’m less than dirt. Here, you have the last piece of pie. It’s okay. Don’t worry about me. (heavy sigh).”

In fact, we are greater than we know. But we will never reach our full potential and see the miracles and abundance of life until we place the needs and wellbeing of others ahead of our own — in all things and in all circumstances.

What good is my reputation, achievements or stuff if I’m empty inside, alone? To find my life, I must lose it. I must give all, risk all, lay all the cards down with no expectation of a positive result or gain for me.

When humility is a way of life, people will still disappoint, abandon and reject us. But we will no longer react to their pain with a punch, a scream or escape. We will show up with true love.

2009-08-17T18:18:00.003-06:00

My grandmother Mabel Dougherty died this morning after a long and beautiful
life.

She was a WWII bride who raised her first son alone for two years while my Grandpa Jack was a German prisoner of war. She then raised six children on a dairy farm in Litchfield, Minnesota. She fought cancer almost to the death in her 50s and survived.

She faced widowhood too soon when Jack died of lung cancer at age 62. She never remarried.

She left the family farm, which she and Jack never owned, and faced an auction of many of her things before moving to a mobile home. Then she moved to assisted living in town. Then she moved to a nursing home. Each time, her possessions decreased. But her talent for an orderly home never did.

Her talents ranged from baking to quilting to horseback riding. I once watched her butcher a dozen chickens in quick succession with the swing of an ax. I also remember strawberry picking and afternoons of bringing lunch to Grandpa and the farmhands in the field. Mabel was a hardworking farm wife who expected a lot from her children as much as she expected help from God. She was a converted Methodist and devoted Catholic who believed in the power of prayer. Her rosary is lovingly worn.

She did the best she could with a large family and the pressures that came with it. Perhaps some could have done better than she in the same situation, and I suspect some worse. But I'll remember her for her home cooking, hugs, her sense of humor and her ability to find faith when life didn't always prove fair or right. She was a sharp dresser and a beautiful lady inside and out. She loved red shoes and dancing.

She used to tell me the story of how she and Jack first met. He came with another gal to a dance. But he left with Grandma! His letters to her during the war are filled with devotion and hope for a grand future.

She made my childhood a dream and her death, though expected, makes me realize the importance of not wasting a single day. Why, when life is at an end, would we ever regret a moment of happiness or begrudge it for another? Why would we fail to forgive or pray for healing? Can't we live every day in that state of compassionate, dying grace? It's available to everyone who believes. We don't have to wait for death to find it.

God bless you, angel Mabel. You quietly slipped away when your children weren't looking. You are watching out for all of us now with your beloved Irish love. I hope his hair is as fiery red as your dancing shoes and that you're sharing a Snickers bar in a field of peonies.

Love, your granddaughter and great granddaughters

Persistence on the Path to True Love

2009-07-31T14:24:00.003-06:00

Do you remember the “Easy” button from that office supply store commercial? Pressing a button and having everything done sounds great, doesn’t it?

That’s probably why magic lamps and genies and wishing wells and fairy godmothers and lotteries are so fun to think about. Imagine a poof of smoke, a magic wand or a windfall of money that could take all of our problems and labors away.

Nope, life doesn’t work that way. Do you wonder why? Why do things have to get bad — then worse — before we start to appreciate our families and friends and life?

Um, we’re humans. We can’t point to light without the shadow. We don’t think about slow and fast until we’re stuck in traffic and realize we haven’t eaten. We don’t notice chaos in our lives until stillness…or illness…sweeps in.

This triathlon called life is designed to help us see the truth. We are children. Then we are adults. Then we are the aged. Most of us stay focused on the exhaustion and anxiety of the race. We get distracted by the swimming, biking and running. But occasionally we catch a glimpse of the finish line.

That finish line, my friends, is true love.

Not the mushy, movie “true love.” That love is chemically engineered to get us dense humans to reproduce. Taken too seriously, chemical lusty love leads to further idiocy and sends too many of us bikers and clumsy runners careening into the ditch bloodied and bruised. The world thrives and implodes on the highs and lows of this disastrous love.

No. True love cannot easily be expressed. But when you feel it, you are never the same. It fills you so completely that anger and despair, ambition and envy dissolve like fog. It’s the love a mother can feel for her child at the sound of its first cry. It’s the love that sweeps over us in nature. It’s the love of grace when we don’t deserve forgiveness but receive it in an instant through our most desperate sorrow and repentance. The veil is lifted. We see the truth of who we really are for the first time.

This love shows you that you’ve been running asleep, biking off the path, swimming alone and sick in a sea of brothers and sisters. Every person is precious. You could never again ignore their worth, never again cross boundaries that harm them or yourself. To do so is a living death.

Yep, it sounds like I’m drinking some good wine right now. That’s just because even if you’ve felt true love, you can’t explain it. And it’s hard to BE that love because the world constantly tells you to seek achievement and pleasure, stuff and status. It tells you that you are alone. ALONE. Who could possibly love you? How could you feel it if they did? You’re nothing. You’re bad. And you’re ALONE.

Little wonder that true love is rare and hard to believe — a love sasquatch giving free hugs in the wilderness. When you see it radiating from the few humans who have recognized and embraced it, the truth can either bring you to your knees with unspeakable joy or send you screaming down another dark, but all too familiar path.

True love is really, really, really scary. It makes you face your innermost demons and realize that YOU (or who you think you are) has to die. Your life up to this defining moment is one big, fat lie. A travesty. A sin. A truly sad tale.

Who among you is brave enough to believe that a life — your life — can be changed, SAVED IN AN INSTANT? The emptiness and sickness CAN fall away in the embrace of true love. The proof is how you live from that day forward. You can’t go back. You can’t stay the same. And it’s a long race. Some minds will never be convinced. But that’s not your goal. You don’t have to come in first place and get the gold star and have everyone congratulate you on your success and be your best friends. You just have to start and persist and remember to tie your shoelaces every day.

After all, you don’t know how much time you’ve been given to set things right.

But here’s the beautiful irony: You’ve already won the race! When everything falls away and there is nothing left of YOU…true love is the tiny whisper in your heart that remains:

“I love you, kid. You never have to feel alone again. Thank you for coming home to me. It’s about time.”

No. Not easy. Just true love.

Stillness on the Path to True Love

2009-06-25T16:48:00.005-06:00

My husband and I often go out for breakfast together on Sunday mornings after church. While our children attend Sunday school, we head out to a favorite café. I like to look at the couples around me and guess at how long they’ve been married or what their relationship is like; I watch them interact with grandchildren and friends, wonder about their joys and sorrows.

I used to wonder about couples who sat together at breakfast and never talked. They would almost meditate on the ritual of their dining, occasionally make a comment, but mostly sit in silence. In contrast, I tried to fill silences with happy chatter at my husband about my “brilliant” life philosophies and observations.

I have come to realize that one of the most important things we can do in a relationship is to shut up! Sit in stillness. Enjoy the blessing of being together.

When we are silent, we give others the opportunity to talk. This is a gift. It is also a great parenting strategy. My eldest daughter will often offer up the most wonderful stories or some of her concerns while I sit with her silently. A great time to do this is in the car or at bedtime. Avoid distractions like the radio or your to-do list and wait for your child to break the silence. It might take a few car trips, but it works.

Don’t be quick to respond. The other person may have more to share. Take in their comments without judgment. Signal to them that you are listening intently. Ask a question to clarify. Look at them in the eyes.

When I stopped worrying about how to fill dead air, I learned the most incredible things about my family. I created a safe zone for them to express things more clearly. I wasn’t focused on the next thing I wanted to say or defend or debate. I opened space to just be with them.

This is a humbling experience. To focus on another’s wellbeing and needs sometimes requires me to bite my tongue and sit in stillness until the other person feels heard — or is ready to talk. This skill works just as well in business as it does at home. Most people just want to feel heard. Then the project can move forward. The communication can begin.

The worst kind of talking is the kind used to draw attention. Children learn this early. They will prattle on louder and louder until someone pays attention to them (or tells them to be quiet). It is important to teach our children to respect when others are speaking. They should learn the importance of silence and listening — of thinking through their replies. If we don’t teach them about this, they will continue to make their presence known through speech with little value.

There is a time to talk. There is a time to be silent. Both are valuable in their proper turn. May you have the wisdom in life and in business to know the difference.

Contradiction on the Path to True Love

2009-06-18T16:02:00.002-06:00

When my daughter came home from school one day and complained that a little boy was teasing her, I smiled and told her that the boy must really like her. I told her that the next time this boy teased her, she should say, "I know you like me."

This idea surprised her. She smiled herself and vowed to try it.

Contradiction can be an empowering experience. It is part of our path to wholeness.

I have a dear friend who is very good at sweetly smiling at people when they ask ignorant or probing questions. Her silence unnerves them. Her smile freaks them out. They awkwardly change the subject and look sheepish.

When people are looking for a great leader and they get a tiny, Indian nun, that is contradiction.

When people are looking for a huge sign that they are going in the right direction and they get an overflowing toilet, that is contradiction.

When people are filled with resentment and are confronted with love, that is contradiction.

When people want a way out and they end up digging a deeper hole, that is contradiction.

When people have to lose themselves to find themselves, that is a definite contradiction.

Consider one person right now who you are not very fond of, who gives you bad feelings and makes you want to spit or swear. Now replace those bad, damaging feelings with the image of a flower, a silent prayer for their wellbeing and success, an earnest wish for peace in their lives.

This is the ultimate contradiction that brings love and peace flowing into your own life. We are all children of a loving God and universe. We need to change our perspective or continue to suffer.

By the way, the advice I gave my daughter worked. The boy didn't tease her anymore. And she handled him with loving contradiction.

Praise on the Path to True Love

2009-06-10T07:10:00.004-06:00

A thought for today: Count the number of times today that you praise your children for something compared to how many times you criticize them.

Now listen for words of praise for yourself compared to criticism from others. Criticism can come in the form of not saying anything as well as a verbal critique of what you have failed to do or how you've done it.

We are quick to criticize and find fault. We are slow to praise and see the good.

One suggestion for this is that we do not love ourselves and therefore we cannot truly love others. Our minds are filled with self-criticism for what we have done or failed to do, how we look, how we handle our lives.

To love and care for others, we must first love ourselves. That does not mean mirror-gazing narcissism. That form of self-love is damaging in that it closes the heart to others and leads to isolation and spiritual emptiness. No one measures up, including ourselves. We are constantly seeking the attention, pleasure or power that will fill us. We hate people when they fail to meet our emotional needs. Our love barely touches the surface of another human being, and eventually we feel nothing from or for them.

Here are the marks of true self-love: We are slow to anger with others. We recognize the good in them. We see life as an opportunity to serve our neighbor, not grudgingly or because it will get us something in return, but because it brings us joy. Our work is fulfilling because we know that it serves a purpose for others, not ourselves. Our friendships and relationships are respectful, honest and loving to the point that it would wound us deeply to hurt another person. We are grateful for any small kindness. We are moved when we see others acting with love.

We have nowhere to go, no one to be, nothing to get. We are enough. We were created to be enough.

If these traits are not true for you today,is it because the praise in your life is so much less than the criticism? Have you gone so far down the road that you are numb to any kind of feeling or concern for others?

Start on a new road with more praise and less criticism for your children, your spouse, your co-workers. Actively look for ways to praise others. Praise is contagious. It creates chinks in your emotional armor so that true love can come in. When you finally meet this love, no other will compare!

You will finally be free to love your neighbor as yourself.

Use Conflict as an Opportunity

2009-05-25T14:29:00.005-06:00

Some of you may sit down tonight to watch the season premiere of Jon and Kate Plus 8, the TLC show about a couple with twins and sextuplets. You may already be a fan, or you may have heard the rumors about the instability of their relationship.

We are drawn to conflict. Adult conflicts can seem pretty complex and it may be difficult to see a resolution to the terrible things we do to one another. However, if we can look at conflict in terms of how we teach our children to resolve it, the path may be clearer.

What do you tell your children when they have wronged another child?

1. Tell me what happened.
To fix a problem, we need to know what happened. We ask each child to tell us the truth about what happened. Some children may lie. Other children will begin the story by talking about what the other child did. They learn early in life that talking about the other child will deflect blame from them. It is a natural reaction to getting into trouble. "I didn't do anything!" "He started it!" "She hit me first!"

Telling the truth is only effective if your children realize that they share responsibility in the problem. Insist that they start at the beginning and talk about what they did to either create the conflict - or what they failed to do. Once children take ownership of their part in a conflict, they can move on to the next steps.

2. Say you're sorry.
You can tell when a child is sorry. There is a sadness in the eyes, a sincerity to the voice. The apology is not rushed. It is not glossed over with mindless chatter about the other child. You can simply feel the difference between a real apology and one that is uttered just to get it over with.

Apologizing is difficult because it places blame. By apologizing, your child is acknowledging misbehavior and accepting the consequences of that behavior. Don't allow them to play victim or to shift blame. That just causes all kinds of difficulty later in life.

Say that your child attends a party where there is drinking or use of drugs. Even if your child did not participate in the drinking or drug use, their presence at the party suggests blame to the authorities. In this case, they should apologize for their choice to go to the party - or for not leaving as soon as they saw what was happening.

3. Make it better.
Some parents stop the discipline after step two. But it is step three that supports change. Talk to your children about how you expect them to behave in the future. "Hands are for helping, not hurting" and "We love each other" are simple ways that we teach our children about caring for others. For older children, it might be a phrase like, "We avoid even the perception of wrongdoing by our words and actions" and "What you do also represents and reflects on your family."

Children who learn how to make things better in the midst of a conflict will be better at conflict resolution as adults. They will learn to view conflicts as opportunities for improving their relationships or improving themselves. Conflict won't be something that they try to avoid by lying or pretending it's not there.

Too often, the world tells us to hide the truth, avoid apologizing and do very little to make things better. We have lost our ability to talk through problems, preferring to ignore or avoid the potential for more conflict. We are told that it's better to "move on and forget about it." It might seem like a good idea to forget, but forgetting only invites the chance for it to happen again. And yet, nursing our pain forever will breed resentment and probably physical illness.

How do we make things better? If only a hug or handshake would do the trick like it does for our children. But adult minds are often too set in their ways and belief patterns.

Instead, I invite you to work through steps one and two and then spend the rest of your days living in ways that show care and concern for others. Some relationships are easy to demonstrate this, like with our children. But others who have been hurt by our past actions or inaction may require more time and effort on our part to prove positive change.

Thank goodness that most of us don't have to work through conflict in front of a national audience. For Jon and Kate, I hope they and their children have a strong support network that promotes communication and reconciliation — and forgiveness in time. Be patient. Use this storm as an opportunity to make it better - to become the person you've always wanted your children to be.

Now that would be a great television show.

Actions Speak Louder Than Words

2009-05-12T07:19:00.003-06:00

A couple months ago, a friend called for my husband. I was serving my girls some lunch and my husband was napping. When the friend asked to speak to my husband, I told him that my husband was out running errands. I fibbed.

Hearing this, my 8-year-old immediately said in a loud voice, "No, he isn't! He's home!"

Instead of realizing I was caught in a fib and making it right, I put my finger to my lips to shush my daughter. The look on her face, of shock, filled me with shame.

Later, when my husband called back his friend, I told him to tell his friend that I fibbed. And I talked to my daughter about the lie. I thanked her for reminding me that any lie is wrong, even one with good intentions. Even though I didn't want my husband disturbed, lying wasn't the solution.

Our children observe what we do and will take our actions to heart more than the words we tell them. This is a hard lesson, given that I'm a writer and spend all my time thinking about words. How I live my life and model to others is so much more important.

Think about how you act around your children, and how you interact with others. Do you grump at other drivers on the highway? Do you gossip in front of your kids? Do you throw litter out the window? Do you treat salespeople rudely? Do you do anything in your life right now that would put you to shame if your children knew...if they understood that your words and guidance for them don't apply to your actions?

If the mama or papa duck is swimming in circles, how will the ducklings learn to swim?

The other day I heard my youngest daughter singing about God. I have been listening a lot to a Christian radio station in the car. I used to listen to pop music, and my daughter used to talk about being a rock star. Now she wants to be a veterinarian. Amazing what a change in modeling can do for our kids.

I Hate You!

2009-04-15T14:54:00.002-06:00

I was just featured on the Cute Kid Parent Center. Check out my thoughts on how to respond when your kid says, "I hate you." Tell me about your own responses, good and bad, to this type of angry kid outburst.

What Makes a Good Parent?

2009-04-01T10:23:00.004-06:00

This question was recently posed by writer Joelle Klein on the TLC Slice of Life blog. Here is my response from my own experience as a parent...so far.

1. Good parents model patience by putting themselves in another person's shoes before responding, staying in the present moment and trying to be of service in any situation.

2. Good parents are aware of their stress triggers and practice healthy self care and communication. Instead of yelling at the kids, they take a walk or step away to cool down. Instead of arguing with their partner, they schedule a time to talk calmly about concerns.

3. Good parents are grown-ups, meaning it's not all about them anymore. They see their role as parents as a beautiful opportunity to make a difference in the world rather than a burden. They take that role seriously. They give up unhealthy behaviors that could impact the children in a negative way...be it drinking or spending too much time away from the family.

4. Good parents are present. They spend time with their children. They understand their children's top emotional needs and fill them, whether it's quality time, hugs or words of affirmation.

5. Good parents model and teach their children about responsibility, honesty and patience. They don't take a child's side if the child is wrong. They have expectations and deliver appropriate discipline that helps the child become self-sufficient and respectful.

6. Good parents are not a child's friend. They are mentors, guides and teachers about life.

7. Good parents let a child know that although they don't always love their actions, they still love them. They are a soft place to fall when life gets rough and can support their children in making better choices and turning their lives around.

8. Good parents make mistakes. Then they own up to those mistakes with anyone they've hurt and they learn from them.

9. Good parents have a spiritual life and model it in how they treat others and the legacy they leave behind after a lifetime of bumps, mumps, achievements and bereavements. In the end, good parents feel confident that they've done the best they could with no manual, no experience and no single definition of success.

10. Good parents are messy, moody and human. And their kids love them anyway.

Visit Parenting Examiner Minneapolis

2009-02-03T20:37:00.002-06:00

Minneapolis has a new resource for parents. It's called Examiner.com. It's a new community of local citizens who are blogging and writing articles on a number of topics, including parenting and child care.

I became one of the parenting examiners for Minneapolis last month and have posted a couple articles already. Check them out by clicking on the title of this post. Keep in mind that I also answer parenting questions at ParentalWisdom.com.

This social networking thing is really fun for writers like myself to share ideas and network with other parenting experts and professionals. I just joined Facebook a month ago and linked this blog to my profile page. I have not, however, decided to post photos of my children yet. I have also noticed that some people do not post photos of themselves, but instead use cartoons called "avatars" to represent themselves.

This is something to consider. While we are concerned about losing our connections to others, there is also a matter of family privacy. How much do we really want to invite the whole world into our living rooms? Do we really want to be famous...or infamous?

There are security features on these sites that allow you to pick and choose who sees certain information that you post. Learn how to use these features. More importantly, assume that anything you write may be viewed by your second grade teacher, pastor, next door neighbor, mother or the milk man. It's a small world, even online.

Blessings.

Stop Touching Me!!

2009-01-19T06:51:00.002-06:00

Siblings. They are your first test in learning how to get along with others. I recently had a question from a parent about how to get her son to stop touching his brothers inappropriately. I suspected that he was doing it to get their attention as well as his mother's attention. Kids learn to get attention in lots of ways, some of them we would consider bad ways. To them, it's just about getting attention.

You can still see bad attention-getting behavior in adults who haven't learned to get attention any other way. They talk loudly. They shove people. They make off-color jokes.

Best to help your child learn appropriate ways of getting attention so he doesn't become that annoying co-worker, embarrassing spouse or friendless practical jokester.

When the behavior happens, call your child and his siblings over and tell them that their behavior is inappropriate. Then ask them to apologize and tell each other one thing they like about the others. You as the parent can offer a compliment to each of them. Do this in a calm and cheerful way so they witness your positive attention for their good behavior.

If the sibling rivalry is particularly intense, you will probably have to repeat this game several times over a week or so. Stop the action. State your expectations for behavior and play the compliment game. If a child refuses to play or makes fun of the idea, send that child for some quiet time until he can come up with some nice things about his siblings. He may just need some time to settle down after the horsing around.

Talk to your kids about personal space. Make a game of it by giving examples of invading personal space and then how each should respond. Talk about using manners like please and thank you, respecting the toys and personal space in bedrooms of each sibling. Even if siblings share a room, they can each have a personal area that is just theirs.

In order to relate well to others, we also need private time for ourselves. Create that space in your home. This is important for parents, too!

What you may find is that your children will ask to play the compliment game or volunteer compliments when they realize that someone has been upset by their behavior. It will become a great ritual for bringing everyone together and showing mutual respect and love. They can offer compliments to you, too.

How have you helped to improve relationships between your children? How do you give them positive attention?

What is Wicked?

2008-11-16T16:30:00.005-06:00

My husband and I just saw "Wicked" in Minneapolis. The show affirmed for me that we feeble humans can never judge what is truly good and what is truly wicked. We have to examine the intent of every individual and the context of the situation. But we must also realize that good and evil lie within each of us and we must consciously choose the right path in every moment. When I mean right path, I mean a path that does not result in harm to us or to anyone else.

Sometimes it might seem that the right path is to be selfish, to take care of our own needs before others. Put your own air mask on and then you can help someone else, right? The problem is that we often take this idea too far. We put on our own air mask and then we suck up all the air. We take and take and take. Or someone hurts us and we think it's our right to be selfish and take what we rightly deserve.

Okay. I'm sure many of you are saying, "Wait just a minute. I give and give and give. When IS it my turn to take?"

Well, there is a difference between giving and a feeling that we are "sacrificing" for others. If we are afraid that we will never get anything back for what we give, that is a position of sacrifice. Sacrifice feels yucky and draining. It leads to resentment and more taking. But giving is a joyful position because our hearts are open. We don't need to get anything back. We are receiving joy from the giving.

How do we get to joyful giving? We must practice believing that we live in an abundant world and that everyone we meet is a member of our family. No matter their attitude or how they choose to act, we can show up with a sense of peace, gratitude and service.

Someone who appears wicked may in fact be doing good. Someone who appears good may in fact be acting wickedly. We know this. We also are not the ones to judge. We can only practice good judgment with regard to our own lives in every moment. Don't get drawn into wicked attitudes and deeds. Be fearless. Be your own person. Give with joy.

Parenting an "adult" child

2008-10-22T09:39:00.005-06:00

Question: When is your child not your child?
Answer: Never

A beautiful woman I know just turned 30. Her life never seems to launch. She is involved in a dead-end relationship. She has used drugs and is probably still using. She loses jobs and is repeatedly homeless. Her family feels like they can't help her because she is an "adult."

If you are a parent and one of your children is in trouble, it is heart wrenching regardless of the child's age. You want to help, but may question whether you have any control to change the child's course. You might resign yourself to watching your child slowly deteriorate. You might cut off all ties because it hurts too much to witness the self-destruction. You might fear for yourself or possessions because of your child's behavior.

It struck me how Britney Spears' life played out before our eyes with a fall from grace, drug use, bad relationships. And how her father finally stepped in and said, "Enough."

Parents...if you can do anything, do it now. Go to the courts. Request restraining orders. Request custody or power of attorney. Show your child how serious the situation is and how much you care. This doesn't mean giving them money when they come around. It means offering support for them to leave an unhealthy relationship, to stop using drugs or alcohol, to get healthy and have a good life.

At the very least...send your child emails of encouragement. Send letters. Continue to reinforce the beauty inside of them by putting your heart on the line. Maybe it won't make a difference in their personal journey. But it might in yours as you keep your heart open, soft and ready to receive them.

As a song I recently listened to said, "Everything easy has its cost." It's easier to write people off who don't act as you expect. But you suffer as much as they do from a closed heart.

I wish you strength and patience as you parent an adult child who is lost. It's never too late to be the parent you always wanted to be. If they refuse you, be patient with them. You never know what impact you're making until much later.

Basic Politeness

2008-09-09T12:00:00.003-06:00

I came across this policy on a CPA blog, but it's a great list of tips for basic politeness, respect and conflict resolution in everyday life. Common sense, but how many of us are good at following them? Never too late!

1. If you have a problem with someone, talk about the problem only with them and in private.
2. Use positive conversation.
3. Blame a system not a person.
4. Apologize and make restitution if someone is upset by your actions.
5. When you talk about a person who is not present, speak as if they are listening to your conversation.
6.Use the person’s name in each sentence in which you refer to them.
7. Speak very politely using a person’s name - - ‘please’ & ‘thank-you’ as a minimum.
8. Greet and farewell everyone by name and with eye contact.
9. Tell the truth.

Ultimately, following these tips will make our lives better, too.

Thanks Parents Magazine!

2008-08-25T06:25:00.003-06:00

Just wanted to announce the featuring of my children's book, "Green Yellow Go! Nat Knows Bananas" in Parents Magazine, September 2008, under the Ages & Stages area for toddlers, page 216.

Keep in mind that the best and cheapest way to order my book is through my website, www.natknows.com. The big retailers list it, but then it shows out of print for some reason and this gal doesn't have a lot of time to follow up on such issues these days.

Hey Amazon and Barnes & Noble, if you see this blog give me a call! (Yeah, right.)

Anyway, it's really cool that an editor of Parents Magazine would find my book online and want to include it with other amazing books for kids. Thanks Wendy Toth!

I also recently taught a "Patience & Responsibility" class in Buffalo, MN, to about 20 child care providers. They were a great group with lots of good ideas. If any of you would like to share what you've implemented from the class, please comment here or email me through www.natknows.com

Anyway, back to my job as a wordsmith. In my free time, I'm revamping my website, so hope to have an announcement on that before the end of the year.

In the meantime....mindfulness, empathy and leadership my friends. Be present. Try to understand others. Be of service every day. We are all someone's child...and sometimes we act like one. So let's cut each other some slack in this crazy world, eh?

Teacher Troubles

2008-07-22T06:54:00.002-06:00

I hate to talk about school yet when all of you are still trying to enjoy summer, but it is around the corner and I was reminded of that when talking to a friend about her children's teachers.

Last year, she had trouble with one of her daughter's teachers whose only comments were that her daughter didn't try at all. My friend thought this was odd, given that her daughter had been nominated for student of the week by her primary teacher for completing her homework before any of her classmates.

The primary teacher told my friend not to worry, that this other teacher was "always like that."

This reminded me that we need to be strong advocates for our children throughout school. I don't mean that we should undermine or second guess teachers (my husband is a teacher; let me make that clear), but if we sense a problem between our child and teacher we need to address it as soon as possible.

I actually recommend taking steps before the school year even starts. Some schools allow you to request a certain teacher for your child. Talk to friends whose children have gone through the grade or ask for direction from administrators after explaining your child's potential needs.

Another proactive step is to meet with your child's teacher before the school year begins and ask the teacher about teaching methods, routines and how the teacher handles challenging students. If you sense any red flags, bring them up immediately to the teacher and talk about it.

If you sense resistance from the teacher, explain that you want to ensure that your child and the teacher have a good experience and you want to be available and provide as much information as necessary to support them both.

These steps are especially helpful if you have a child with a feisty or fearful temperament. Feisty children have a lot of energy, may come across as bossy to other children and may need more time for transitions. They can get frustrated if routines change and can tend to rush through activities. Fearful children will need time to warm up to group activities as they adjust to new classmates and the teacher. They like to plan ahead and observe things before jumping into activities.

If you can communicate these characteristics to teachers, they will be more prepared to support your child's learning needs and will appreciate that you took the time to make them aware.

Granted, some teachers may ignore you or unconsciously label your child (or you!) as a potential trouble maker. The best you can do in that situation is to stay calm, invite the teacher to focus on potential solutions instead of rehashing problems and, if necessary, request that your child be moved to another classroom. Remember that you can't change another person, but you can choose to maintain your composure and seek the best options for your child regardless of the challenge.

Stay calm. Stay involved. Stay focused on your child's best interests.

One caveat to that: If your child's behavior IS causing disruption or danger to other students, own and acknowledge that. Then try to move everyone forward to solutions. Between you, teachers and administrators, you can find solutions. Work on discipline consistently between school and home. Try to visit the classroom and observe your child (with and without the child's awareness) so you can get an idea of what might be causing the behavior.

In the end, you know your child best and can support the learning process if you focus on positive action steps. If discussion breaks down into venting and complaining, again stay focused and calm and ask about potential solutions...firmly if necessary.

Another mom I know did have to stand up, take up more space in the room by putting her hands on her hips, lean over an administrator's desk, and use her mean mommy voice on him. It had the desired effect; she had the gentleman's attention! Then they could begin the discussion...calmly. Or schedule another appointment!

If you have had a challenge with a teacher or administrator, I'd like to help. Leave a comment or email me.

Great Press at BabyZone

2008-07-01T07:06:00.005-06:00

Many thanks to Lisa Samalonis who interviewed me for BabyZone.com on how to avoid disciplining with anger.

She covered all of my stress personalities and my three magic elements of patience and included examples of real parents who owned up to their Old Yellers and Houdinis. It's a great article on managing anger and teaching children to be leaders, which is one of my main goals in this work.

Always exciting to get my message of patience out to more parents! Thanks Lisa!

Click on the title of this post or the link to read the full article. And give me your feedback.

The Bad Mother

2008-06-26T06:30:00.002-06:00

I was recently at a family reunion where the main attraction for the children was an in-ground pool. My girls were excited to dip into the pool as soon as we arrived, so we put on our sunscreen and headed out.

My 7-year-old decided to leave her life jacket behind and use a floaty toy instead. I put a life jacket on my 4-year-old and hung out on the edge near her, my feet dangling in the water.

Suddenly, my older daughter lost hold of her floaty toy in the deep part of the pool. The toy remained a finger length away; all she needed to do was reach for it. Instead, she panicked and began to dog paddle frantically in circles. I stood up in alarm but calmly encouraged her to grab the toy. She continued to swim and call for help when a man I didn't know jumped into the pool — fully clothed — and grabbed her.

All of this played out in a few seconds, but the shame I felt for not jumping in immediately to rescue my own child may last a while. What made me hesitate? What could those few seconds have cost me?

There is a fine line between encouraging our children to rescue themselves and knowing when they are about to drown. Life threatening situations call for us to put our needs aside and even sacrifice our lives (day-to-day or literally) for our children. But a situation like a forgotten piece of homework or credit card bill may require some thinking before we rush to our children's aid.

The lesson in my experience at the pool is a big one but I'm too close to it yet to fully comprehend how I or my daughter will come to terms with it in the future. When things like this happen in our parenting, it's important to accept that it happened and to take some positive action that will honor its significance. I'm so grateful to the person whose reaction and proximity were faster than mine. Even in that there is a lesson: we are not isolated in the love and care of our children. We need others to assist and help us to see the solution before it's too late.

Bless your little ones and big ones this summer.

Declaring Prohibition

2008-06-14T19:36:00.002-06:00

I'm 38 now. There, I admit it. My birthday was Thursday, June 12. I decided to celebrate it with a little one-on-one time with my oldest girl, a little me time with a massage and a little we time with girlfriends.

It was a female bonding day.

But I learned something big about myself while enjoying dinner with about five or six lovely women. A martini and a glass of wine on an empty stomach are not what they appear to be. They are not an innocent way for me to socialize. They are, in fact, the tool of my inner devil.

Yes, in the last year I have made friends with my physical, indulgent, passionate self. But the truth is, alcohol seems not to bring out my true self, but my worst self. It's one thing to be with your women friends and vent about your spouses, but it's another to do it loudly and obnoxiously...and rag on the spouses of your women friends.

I have realized that if I don't like myself the next day because of what I recall saying or doing while influenced by alcohol, it probably isn't the wisest choice to try again. Now my friends may say that it wasn't as bad as I'm making it out to be. Two drinks doesn't mean I have a problem. Still...

Living with patience, with mindfulness, is my vision for myself and the world. If I truly want to be the role model for this value and skill, to be present and of service to others, it makes no sense to muddle up my head...even if I'm celebrating, especially if I'm celebrating.

So I am declaring to the world on this evening, June 14, that alcohol is no longer a part of my life. Help me to keep this vow. I want to be a solution to the world. I want to be present to my friends. I want to speak of others kindly. I want to use my passions and physical, indulgent self for good. In the presense of chaos, numbness, resentment or despair, I want to be awake.

News of Patient Parent and Nat Knows Spreading

2008-06-04T06:46:00.002-06:00

So my goal with this blog is to write at least once a week, but apparently it hasn't happened yet. I'll keep it as a goal, though!

A lot has been happening on the marketing side of my patient parenting work. My patient parenting manuscript is going out to more publishers. My comments on patience will be featured in an article in First for Women magazine in June, which you can find on newsstands. I have also contributed information to articles that will be posted on ParentSociety.com and iParenting.com.

Stacy DeBroff of MomCentral.com wrote a book review about Nat Knows Bananas on her site. Thanks Stacy! The alumni magazine for Mass Communications at St. Cloud State University, my alma mater, wants to feature me in their maiden full-color magazine this year, too! And...Parents magazine wants to run information about my children's book along with an article on toddler patience.

Exciting stuff for a feisty mom of two and introverted writer who never thought she would publish a children's book, speak regularly in public or teach patience! Just goes to show that life is full of surprises.

I'll be 38 next week and it has been quite a year. I feel like I'm coming into my own as a woman and communicator and I pray that I will have the continued strength and passion to spread the message of patience to more people. I truly believe it coincides with the movement toward more enlightened human beings who are staying present and embracing this moment to act in service to others.

To check out a great free teleseminar series on this topic, visit www.MasteringThePowerOfNow.com

Happy Mother's Day

2008-05-11T13:08:00.003-06:00

I awoke this morning to see my 7-year-old carrying a metal broiler tray with a bowl of soggy sugar puffs, water and a homemade card into my room. I have to admit that I really wanted to sleep more, but the sight of her smiling face urging me to dig into my breakfast was enough incentive to please her. I thought back to all of the years I snuck into the kitchen with my siblings to make breakfast for our parents. Our talents evolved from jelly toast and cereal to scrambled eggs and sausage and blueberry pancakes. I empathized now with my parents who were forced to choke down a full breakfast so early in the morning as we sat smiling on their bed.

Later in the morning, my husband and two daughters and I tromped to church to enjoy a Sunday school teacher appreciation breakfast. (More food!) My girls presented me with cement stepping stones decorated with shells and broken tiles, one saturated in hot pink craft sand and the other already losing its plastic beading.

But the highlight of my morning had to be when my girls stood up in front of the church and sang, "He's Got the Whole World in His Hands," complete with hand motions. I felt myself get teary with the knowledge that they were my children. I was a mother. And even though my eldest sometimes suffers anxieties that give her facial tics and my 4-year-old is dragging around her 30th leg cast to correct a club foot, they are the most perfect children I could ever imagine.

Yes, I would step in front of a bus for my children if necessary. And yes, they drive me crazy. The bickering and messes and fighting for my attention throughout the day while I try to log 40 hours for my job AND keep the family in clean underwear — impossible. To say that mothers need patience is hardly sufficient to explain our plight.

But gosh golly, when I am fully present to the wonder of these two little human beings — one who states that her latest interest is ornithology and the other who claims that "I'm her favorite mommy," — well, nothing else seems to be all that important.

Happy Mother's Day to all of you mothers out there. I don't care if you are mothers to your own children, to your pets or to the neighbor kids...you are the glue of the world. Okay, I need to head to the gym and work off my breakfast.

Tina Nocera: Founder of ParentalWisdom.Com

2008-04-29T07:01:00.006-06:00

I wanted to introduce you to some other parenting experts I've met in recent months to give you a flavor for their perspective on parenting. One great one to know is Tina Nocera, the founder of ParentalWisdom.com, a forum where parents can quickly get multiple answers from experts for their questions. Here's what Tina had to say about her business and the challenging but rewarding job of parenting:

What was the spark that urged you to found Parental Wisdom?

I was 9 months pregnant with my daughter, I remember the day exactly - it
was August, terribly hot and I had my 18-month old son who refused to put on
his shoes. You know when kids put their toes into a ball? Anyway, it
dawned on me that I had no idea of what I should have been doing so I
questioned the premise that people could have children without any prior
qualifications, licensing or training.

I also realized that each child and situation was unique and found that as
I read the books, the authors were understandably not always correct.

What is the benefit of having several experts answer a parent's questions?

Because no one person is always right for all the people all the time.
There are numerous idiosyncrasies and values that come into play. Parents know their child best but don't always have ready access to the information that an expert does.

What's the average turnaround to get an answer?

Usually 24 hours.

With all of the information out there about "good parenting" how can parents avoid feeling like they are never doing enough for their children?

Easy - every night before you go to bed, play back at least one good interaction with your child. And notice how even after a bad day, kids are so wonderfully resilient.

What do you enjoy most about being a parent?

The fact that my perfectly normal children have become good people.

What's your idea of a great mini-vacation?

A spa!

What one thing are you thankful for today?

The good health and happiness of my family.

Kind of shows you that material stuff doesn't mean a thing in the long run and no one has the right answers all the time. Trust yourself, choose your resources carefully and remember the good things along with the challenging parts of parenting. Your kids look to you more than anyone for guidance and security...even when they don't show it! More from Tina in the near future!

Burning off the Energy

2008-04-16T08:25:00.003-06:00

I had a great time presenting to a nice group of parents, educators and child care providers last night in Alexandria, Minnesota for Week of the Young Child. I wanted to let you know that I will have videotape of the presentation up soon on YouTube for anyone who is interested. Just send me an email, express@bctelco.net, and I'll forward the link when it's ready.

Also, on the question of helping feisty kids burn off energy, I would like to refer you to the Brain Gym site at www.braingym.com. Some of the Alex educators just had some training on this and mentioned it to me. Sounds cool! This group has been around for a while but is seeing new interest due to the needs of feisty kids and other focus issues in the classroom. I plan to interview an instructor about this soon and publish her thoughts in a future post.

Another question was about books that adults can read to deal with stress reactions and anger. I'm going to do some research on that and recommend some books, websites and other resources. My upcoming parenting book will also include some of this information; if you would like a sneak peek or know anyone who would like to review it who works in early childhood, let me know!! I'd love feedback!

As part of future posts, I am interviewing other experts related to parenting and patience, so watch for that!

Thanks again for your support, and remember the three magic words of patience: Empathy, Mindfulness and Self-Leadership...

It's not all about me.
This moment is all I have
How can I make a difference?

Tips on Teaching Patience/Week of the Young Child

2008-04-12T16:02:00.004-06:00

For all of you who are attending my keynote at the Week of the Young Child event in Alexandria, Minnesota on April 15, I am posting some notes here from my presentation. Hopefully the snow will be on its way out by then! Sheesh!

I am speaking about the importance of patience skills for school readiness. Below are three primary temperaments of children (remember that children can cross over into more than one, so get to know them all), their characteristics, and how to work with each on patience skills...You can begin to incorporate these ideas around age 3.

FEISTY
High Activity Level
Irregular
Slow to Adapt/Transition at times
Approaches New Things with Vigor
Intense, Sometimes Physical Reactions (Positive and Negative)
Low Persistence
Low Focus

Teaching Patience to Feisty Kids:
•Need Opportunity and Challenge
•Leadership Options ("little helpers/little mommies or daddies"
•Faster-Paced Activities & Games
•Work on Cooperative Play (pass the blocks; roll the ball; clean up time)
•Work on Etiquette (please and thank you)
•Burn off the Energy!
•Coping Strategies - breathing, touchstones like a smooth rock or soft toy, anger dance (silly physical dance to calm down), counting, self talk ("He didn't mean to bump into me.")

THREE ELEMENTS OF PATIENCE
Empathy –
•Cooperative games (It's okay to lose.)
•Discussing feelings (After given some space to calm down)
•Problem solving (giving three options and allowing them to choose)
•Work on social cues…facial expressions, body language, hands to self, quiet voice, personal space
•Recognize that they need to burn off energy for focus

Mindfulness –
•They’re going to want to argue about what happened and why they are right. Instead...
•Rather than focusing on the past, ask what can be done now to solve it.
•Offer mindful coping for frustrations like breathing, counting, bringing them back into their bodies; touchstones; anger dance (shake it off physically and in a silly way; get them to lighten up)

Self-Leadership –
•Getting control of selves will be very important (allow time for that)
•Give space to cool off (so they don't hurt themselves or anyone else)
•Make lists to build a routine during play to reduce frustration with others (everyone gets to choose an activity to add)
•Helping skills
•Put them in charge of something each day (feeding pets, watering plants, bussing dishes, snack helper)
•Talk about language of a leader, please and thank you, calm voices

FEARFUL
Slow to adapt in new situations
Physically sensitive
Withdrawal
Distracted by other children; noise
Crave routine
Intense reactions if stressed or pushed

Teaching Patience to Fearful Kids:
•Need Time and Practice
•Build in Time for Decisions/Transitions
•Be Their Safe Harbor
•Work on Repetitive Activities
•Maintain Daily Routines; Prepare them if things are going to change.
•Provide Coping Strategies/Touchpoints
•Encourage Talking Out Problems

Empathy-
•I feel…
•Taking turns, respecting their personal space; practicing affection to gain a comfort level with others (shaking hands, high fives, holding hands to start)
•Respect fears; take them seriously to teach them to trust themselves; talk through fears; explain differences between fantasy and reality; dreams and awake time

Mindfulness- tend to think of what ifs…help them to focus on now and what’s happening now; are they safe now?

Self-Leadership-
•Being in control of their emotional responses
•Self-Talk
•Relaxation exercises to calm anxieties (close eyes and think of a beautiful place or their favorite activity)
•Practice helping others; can take away focus on self
•Work with them on projects if they feel overwhelmed

FLEXIBLE
Sunny Disposition
Regular Feeding, Napping
Fairly Persistent
Low Intensity/Low Sensitivity
Highly Adaptable

Teaching Patience to Flexible Kids:
•Need Acknowledgement
•Show Interest in Their Ideas/Play
•Promote Natural Cooperativeness
•Share Your Lap
•Praise Skills Specifically

Empathy-
•Naturally empathetic but can lose this if needs aren’t met
•They tend to be popular, so praise them for including others in play
•Watch for times when they hide emotions or use as attention devices; use as opportunity to talk through feelings and acknowledge them; explain why you have disciplined them

Mindfulness-
•If they are being silly or acting out, ask how they’re feeling right in that moment…happy, sad, angry, alone, excited?
•Working together; what can we do to make things better right now?
•Give choices to work out feelings

Self-Leadership-
•Encourage helpfulness and cooperation…tend to get along well with others; provide opportunities for group play as well as solo play
•Like lots of people, so talk about the importance of including others who may feel left out
•Ask for help in solving problems; they will enjoy being included
•Work with them on projects to give them one-on-one time
•Keep it fun; allow practice before criticizing

Watch for more ideas for teaching patience in future posts. I'll include ideas for younger and older children. Thanks for your interest! And remember, you need to model patience to teach patience!

Kid Juggling

2008-03-27T15:47:00.002-06:00

This week, my husband and I played a game called "kid juggling."

In this game, you juggle kids back and forth between each other as you arrive home and leave again for some work or personal obligation. The object of the game is to make sure at least one of you has the kids and no one gets dropped accidentally.

Have you had a week like this? Maybe you have entire months like this. I know many couples who are on opposite shifts and see each other only in the doorway or asleep in bed.

This is not a fun game to play. It is hardly a game you can win. And certainly not a good environment for practicing patience.

My husband, who is a band director, had something going on every night this week, from a board meeting to color guard practice, to shuttling students to a jazz concert at a local university, to assisting with new principal interviews. I am trying to work full-time between an office more than an hour away and my home office. My girls, 4 and 7, were scheduled in the midst of our schedules with school, a piano lesson, preschool and daycare. Did I mention that both my husband and I had bad colds?

Made me wonder what needed to give. And it was probably me.

When a 4-year-old has to get up at 6:30 a.m. and doesn't get to bed until 9:15, there could be something wrong with the family schedule. Thank goodness that isn't the case every day for my family, but it made me wonder if we had our priorities straight. Maybe I've taken on too many hours than are feasible for my family right now. Maybe a little less money in exchange for a little more home time and sanity is worth it.

Then again, any of us with full-time employment that is fairly secure should be feeling gratitude rather than wondering if we are sacrificing our children's happiness. Times are tough right now. Maybe all of us, the kids included, have to dig in our heels and do the best we can under less than ideal circumstances.

The fact that I'm worried about being a good parent should count for something. Your worries count for something too.

Just know that you're not alone. We're all struggling through each day with children...just trying to eke out a living and a life.

Kudos to the kid-juggling, hard-working parents out there. I'm right there with you.

Mini-Vacations

2008-03-17T06:48:00.005-06:00

Okay, so it's been a while since I posted. But my new goal is to post twice a week and to post a question at the end, so please keep me on my toes and leave a comment to motivate me!

I just taught a great class in St. Michael, Minnesota, with about 12 parents in attendance. It was my Introduction to Patient Parenting class. One of the questions I asked was how many of them took vacations.

Two raised their hands, a couple waved their hands in a noncommital way and the rest stared at each other.

I thought so.

So I asked the ones who had raised their hands whether they had vacations that involved doing nothing or that involved lots of activities. Uh-huh. They were just as busy on their vacations as in the rest of their lives.

Because our lives are so busy with children, our brains never have a chance to settle down from "fight or flight" beta waves. So I suggested to the parents that they take mini-vacations.

Sit for 10 minutes and look at a magazine. Stare out the window. Lay on your bed and close your eyes for 15 minutes. If you are afraid you will fall asleep, set the alarm. Listen to soothing music. Call a friend and laugh about how crazy your lives are. Go fishing. Take a walk...a slow leisurely walk. Write in a journal. Read from a book of quotations or poems.

These mini-vacations are just for you. So make sure the kids are in a safe place and then allow your mind to drift to a happy, sunny, relaxing space. Let your muscles relax. Close your eyes and breathe deeply.

This is not only healthy for your mind, but also for your body. It will counteract the production of stress hormones that surge through us each time we are worried or frantic about the next thing on our to-do list. It also helps you to practice patience because patience requires mindfulness...staying in the moment. My favorite mini-vacation? A bubblebath with my ipod cranked up. But I have to be careful not to get the ear buds wet!

You deserve some down time, too! So what's your favorite way to take a mini-vacation? Tell me about it.

Advocate for Your Child

2008-01-16T20:55:00.000-06:00

Just when I thought we were free of health woes for our children...

Four years ago, my second little girl was born with a club foot and other joint contractures, which put us on a long road of medical visits, castings, surgeries and rehab. So watching her smile and interact for the first time — let alone start walking at about 18 months — were joyous and poignant occasions. My husband and I could relax our shoulders and breathe a sigh of relief, feel gratitude that this was nothing compared to the experiences of some parents we saw at the children's clinic and hospital.

This year, we finally paid off the last $100 from her latest foot surgery more than a year ago. We are down to one annual check-up. We know that her physical challenges and doctor visits aren't over, but at least we aren't visiting the clinic every week for another cast. She can take a bath. She can run! Oh, and she's quite the comedienne...typical of the second kid I'm sure. "Look at me! Look at me!"

Now this.

At the last parent/teacher conference, more than one teacher mentioned concerns about our older daughter. She is 7. She reads at a third grade level. She has the imagination of Willy Wonka and the vocabulary of an adult. Just today she told me that she learned what "hypothermia" meant...and proceeded to tell me. This evening she dictated a story to me that she intends to enter in a young writers and illustrators contest.

Her teachers weren't worried about her academics. They were worried about her interactions — or lack thereof — with other children as well as some physical facial tics. So I went online to learn more...and freaked myself out. Is my daughter autistic? Does she have Tourette's? Or is she simply lacking enough spinach in her diet?

My husband and I took her to her pediatrician. The ped assured us that it was probably something she would outgrow. And proceeded to charge us $80 above the well-child visit for her referral to a neurologist. God love her.

Our experiences with specialists in the past steeled us against taking the first answer as the only answer. At one point with our youngest, a neurologist recommended that we sedate her and conduct an MRI to rule out any "syndrome" associated with her joint problems. I walked out angry and refused the test. As far as I can tell today, my 4-year-old daughter is as smart as a whip...and hilarious.

This time, we agreed on a simple option. We started our daughter on multivitamins and a magnesium supplement. After a few weeks, the sometimes wild facial tics began to fade to occasional blinking. When she is tired or has too much sugar, we notice them more. But we're maintaining a vigil for a few months before we consider a CT scan.

As for the anti-social behavior, I see myself in my daughter. I wasn't a team player for a long time. I liked being in charge...or being left alone. As I got older, however, my quirkiness turned to shyness and a defensive arrogance as my peers began to avoid me. I was proud of being smart, but didn't realize that I also needed to be open to the ideas of others. It was a painful road to that realization...one I prefer to make easier on my daughter.

So she isn't autistic. Just feisty and bossy. I can work with that.

Long story short. Before you panic and take the first piece of advice handed down by a teacher, doctor, a wiki or your mother, realize that you know your child best. Be strong. Be a champion for your child's best interests. You'll know the right answer when you find it.

Stay in touch with teachers and ask them to help you find those solutions. Talk things out with your spouse so you are on the same page. Above all, let your children know that you love them any which way they think, talk or walk. You're a team. You'll get through this crazy life together...with lots of patience.

And the occasional brownie.

Holiday Spirit

2007-12-12T09:33:00.000-06:00

The holidays can feel like a lot of hard work when you have children. At least, if you think about all of the preparations as burdens on an already busy schedule.

Shopping, decorating, baking, sending cards, wrapping...whew! Who has time for that?

I know some people who work on these things throughout the year so that the to-do list isn't stuffed into a few weeks. If that works for them and they enjoy it, it's a great idea. Many of us, however, aren't so organized.

Let me make a few suggestions to lighten your load and allow some real holiday spirit to enter your home.

LET GO — Do you really have to send cards? Do you really have to make six kinds of cookies? Do you have to buy gifts for the five helpers in your son's class who you really don't know? No, you don't. If these things don't fill you with joy and excitement, let them go. Think differently. Send out cards to your loved ones on Valentine's Day when they aren't expecting them. Limit your gift list to people who have really made a difference for you this year. Play in the snow with your kids instead of the crazy, messy baking scenario. If your family and friends don't like it, they'll have to work through their disappointment.

DELEGATE — The holidays should be about teamwork. Preparing for guests and events all by yourself is no fun. Plus, what makes you think that you do everything better than anyone else? This year, my kids decorated our Christmas tree. They are 7 and 4 and did a fabulous job. Some ornaments were broken. Some things were on the tree that don't normally go there. But they had a great time and I felt a surge of gratitude. The same thing happened when my husband not only bought a lot of the gifts for our children this year, but he also wrapped them! He used duct tape, but who cares???

GIVE, REALLY GIVE — Feeling overwhelmed with the whole holiday scene, I decided to make a few cookies with my girls on a Saturday and take them over to the local nursing home during coffee hour. It wasn't part of an organized event. I don't have any family at this nursing home. I just thought it would put me in a more positive mood about giving.

I was reminded by this experience that giving from your heart really does give more back to you than you could ever imagine. Passing out cookies, visiting with the residents, watching the smiles on their faces as they watched my girls run around, singing a few carols with some Girl Scouts who were also there...it made my month. My girls had a great time, too.

If you can find one thing this year or next to do with your family that involves giving to others — not out of obligation but from true caring — do it! It's the best thing you can do for your family, yourself and the world.

My Relationship Smarts

2007-11-07T12:52:00.000-06:00

For seven short months, I was a rock star.

Then my fun and passions were dashed by my anxious, controlling husband…or so the story goes.

While each of us must have outlets for relaxation and fun to balance hard work, our choice of outlet should always take into consideration the needs of our families. I am only speaking, of course, to those parents and spouses who believe in raising successful children and maintaining a close and loving relationship — simultaneously. If you have already given up on that ideal: never mind.

If you don’t have children yet and already do a lot of stuff apart from your spouse, listen up.

Okay, if anyone is still reading this, I have a few short and sassy rules to prioritize family and still “have a life.”

•If your spouse is uncomfortable with something you are doing, pay attention!
Don’t discount a spouse’s anxiety or discomfort because you think it’s ridiculous or controlling or not what you believe. If you’re in this for the long haul, take time to discuss the issue and work toward compromise. Maybe hunting or ice fishing for five weekends in a row is not conducive to a happy married life. Your spouse shouldn’t have to “just deal with it.” It’s disrespectful.

•Choose activities and levels of commitment that your spouse can agree to with enthusiasm.
If your husband is uncomfortable with you singing with a rock band in a bar until 2 a.m., maybe you need to find another activity. If scrapbooking won’t be the same as rocking out, your new outlet could be kickboxing. Get creative.

•Do stuff together.
I can’t tell you how important it is to maintain a close relationship with your spouse when you have children. That means spending time together in a fun or romantic setting. Learn the cha cha. Go sledding. Try sushi. Nudge each other out of comfort zones to try new things just like you would if you were dating. Have fun as a couple and with the kids.

•View differences as strengths to build a strong family.
If you live in the moment and your spouse is a planner, appreciate the ways that each strength supports team family. While you teach your children about spontaneity and gratitude for today, your spouse can teach them about setting goals and managing their time.

•Deal with small problems and “what-ifs” before they get bigger — or happen.
Whether you bounced a check, dented the car or have concerns about lack of time or affection from your spouse, communicate those concerns as soon as possible and work on them together. Honesty and openness can be difficult, but is a highly valued emotional need for men and women. If you need to bring in a mediator, do it now for your children’s sake.

•Model a strong partnership to your children.
If you yell, throw things or withdraw from your partner in a conflict, your children will learn to do the same. Think about what a strong and loving partnership should look like. Do your children see this? If not, what can you each do differently to be on the same page with conflict resolution, discipline and decision-making? Build a united front at home to face the many challenges you and your children face in the world.

The sacrifice of leaving the party early or cutting your hunting season short is small compared to the benefits of having someone to come home to who can get you through the tough and good times and still love you with morning breath and prickly armpits. Great marriages demand respect, communication and loving attention.

Go team family! (Oh, and sweetie, can you pick up some razors on your way home?)

Dealing With Houdinis

2007-10-12T08:18:00.000-06:00

I have met several Houdinis in my life. I am married to one. This typical stress personality tends to shy away from conflict by shutting down emotionally or leaving the scene of the conflict physically. You may find Houdinis hiding out in the garage or tool shed, the basement or bathroom. When conflict comes their way, they will do anything to get away from it. They will change the subject, tune out, give in easily, or drop out of the relationship with no forwarding address.

This type of conflict resolution only leads to more trouble down the road. Houdinis have trouble expressing their true feelings in a situation, which leads to misunderstandings and larger conflicts down the road. Houdinis are often the ones in a marriage who will suppress their feelings with alcohol or drugs or who will one day come to you and say, "I don't love you anymore." It will be huge news to you, but they will say the trouble started long ago. They just didn't fill you in.

You will also see this personality in children. They tend to have fairly flexible and sunny or fearful and cautious temperaments. The flexible kids are hardwired for harmony. They want to please and not rock the boat. But this keeps them from sharing bad feelings and they are more likely to hold grudges. The fearful kids dislike change, which often happens when they share their true feelings. They're more comfortable with the trouble they know than what it could mean to work through a conflict and hope for something better. It could get worse, after all.

How do you keep your Houdini from making a disappearing act?

Acknowledge this personality and think about how you react to conflict. Are you a Houdini? Do you raise your voice like an Old Yeller? Do you stomp and throw things like a Dr. Jekyll? Old Yellers and Dr. Jekylls are quite frightening to Houdinis. Another Houdini is peaceful, but not helpful as you both stew in your own grudges and disappointments.

Stand your ground Houdini. Tame your yelling, Old Yeller. Take a walk, Dr. Jekyll. Then sit down and write a note, send an email or quietly discuss what is bothering you with the goal of finding a solution that works for both of you. It will be hard at first to change the hardwired habit when conflict looms. Recognize the struggle. Breathe. Talk through it even if it feels awkward and hurtful. If the other person needs a break, agree and schedule another time to revisit the issue when it's quiet.

If you can work through this in your adult relationships, you can model better communication with your children. So the next time they have a problem, you are the first one they turn to. That's what we all want as parents, right?

Stress of College Prep

2007-08-31T10:53:00.000-06:00

In my role as a communications consultant for businesses, I work with a higher education consultant in Minneapolis. Valerie Broughton founded College Connectors (www.collegeconnectors.com) after more than 30 years in the education field. She now helps students and their families traverse the increasingly complicated world of college selection and application.

If you don't have children this age yet, you should know that college prep should begin in the sophomore year. As your child gets closer to graduation, you may find that tensions ebb and flow. Your child is beginning the process of breaking away from the family tribe while simultaneously trying to finish high school, write admissions essays, manage peer and love interests, beg for letters of recommendation, maybe work a part-time job, visit colleges and imagine filling the blank slate that is his future.

This can be stressful.

Valerie takes a very practical approach to college preparation, but also takes some of the heat off of parents who are watching their child make this transition. She is a bit of a liaision between the parents and student, too, keeping everyone on task and facilitating productive communication. Here are a few of her tips for the realities of college preparation.

Set Yourself Apart

Given that drop-out rates for college freshman are around 50 percent, a student’s choice of college is just as important as the student’s qualifications for said college. Students who are well-grounded are more attractive to admissions staff than students who just have perfect grades and test scores.

What this means is that students who show passion or interest in a particular area are often seen as more motivated and valuable to colleges than students who seem to be involved all over the place. While standardized testing is the top way that larger colleges establish a “floor” for selection, smaller colleges and large colleges alike heavily weigh the style and tone of admissions essays. It makes sense to devote extra time to this piece and invite several critiques.

Letters of recommendation, special talents, experiences, and a demonstrated love of learning are also highly valued in the student body at small and large colleges alike. If two students have equally impressive grades and test scores, colleges will look for that unique nugget of information that makes they say, “I want to get to know this student better.” Sharing your passions and dreams to how you overcame adversity, let your unique self shine through.

Avoid Senior-itis

The tendency to go overboard on college-prep courses is just as strong and possibly fruitless as coasting in that final year. Students will have a much better chance at more colleges of their choice if they demonstrate solid grades with an upward trend or even lower grades in more rigorous classes. Take a higher-level science or math class, but don’t sacrifice electives that you enjoy such as music or languages. They indicate a depth of talent.

If you are considering a post-secondary option because it supports your maturity and life goals, go for it. Avoid doing it just to save some money. Not all post-secondary coursework is transferable if you decide to attend a different college for your degree. You will have missed out on a genuine high school experience and still have four to five years of study ahead of you.

Get Involved

If you have a passion for animals, the elderly, or stamping out hunger, find an outlet for it in your community. Directed community involvement or volunteering is much more valuable than a list of 20 different activities. Authentic dedication to a cause shows that you are a thoughtful individual and aware of life beyond your own front door.

Involvement can also lead you to your career path. Colleges aren’t concerned that you have declared a solid major, but demonstrating your efforts at career exploration through summer work, job shadowing and career days indicates that you are serious about your future.

Don’t discount the value of leadership opportunities in high school. Leading your section in the band, serving as a sports captain or editing the high school yearbook are all noteworthy achievements. As any Ivy League admissions rep will tell you, there is more to educational achievement than academics.

Stories We Tell

2007-07-27T14:20:00.000-06:00

Once there was a beautiful princess who lived in a lovely little town in Minnesota. The problem was that she was trapped by an ugly and angry ogre. This ogre controlled her every move: how she dressed, who she saw, how long she was gone. The ogre was also very critical of how she kept house, her lack of cooking skills and her inability to focus.

One day, the beautiful princess went away to collect her thoughts. When she came back, the ogre had suddenly materialized into a normal man who loved her very much but was afraid that she didn't love him. She realized that she had been living inside of a fairytale — a bad one — for too long. She broke the spell by realizing that the ogre was only real in her story. And in fact, SHE had been an ogre.

In order to relate to people and experiences, we often attach meaning and stories to the "what happened." Although what happened was real and may have caused us pain, our stories aren't. When we continue to believe that someone is critical or controlling or irritating or unloving or absent, we keep the story alive. But we slowly kill off the people. Worse, we prevent true love and compassion from entering our lives.

What stories do you tell about your children? Do you have the hyper child? The quiet child? The happy kid? The perfectionist? The athlete? Keeping our children inside stories like Peter Pumpkineater kept his wife does not allow for much freedom of expression. Or it may have the opposite effect of children rebellling against their story. The happy kid goes Goth. The perfectionist starts drinking.

Let's be aware of what we are asking our loved ones to live up to. A story we told ourselves about them has an element of self-fulfilling prophecy, until they can't live up to the story anymore. Everyone deserves the freedom to be themselves in the present. Let's put the past where it belongs and leave the future open to possibility.

Summer Food for Thought

2007-07-02T08:47:00.000-06:00

Wow! It's finally summer and I'm getting back to my much neglected blog. Our family has been overwhelmed, to say the least, with activities and obligations in the last three months. End of school, end of soccer, end of piano lessons, end of marching band for my husband...and finally three days to enjoy on the lake with nothing but a tent and blow-up swim toys.

I was impressed with how my daughters handled a very unstructured vacation. There were no televisions, video games or computers, no shopping or organized craft time. There WAS swimming, sand, card games, books, fishing and marshmallows for roasting. We had no place to go and nothing to do. It was fantastic.

It seemed that the best parts of those three days for my girls included swimming and collecting shells, building a fort on their air mattress, eating toasty marshmallows from the fire, and playing UNO with their mom. We each won some games, even my 3-year-old who placed all her cards face up and was quite good at matching the numbers and colors.

Honestly, one afternoon I literally spent more than two hours in a beach chair with a good book as the kids wandered along the beach and ran in and out of the water. Heaven.

This reminded me that we don't need to orchestrate every minute of our children's lives. They will find ways to occupy their time creatively if we offer a positive environment and instill in them a sense of adventure. How do we do this? Get them out into nature. Take them to a park, a zoo, a local farm. Heck, have a picnic in your backyard. Bring along the "Go Fish!" game. Collect leaves and acorns. Go on a bug or frog hunt. Build a birdhouse out of a box. Visit a farmer's market and discuss the various colors and textures. Pick out something "exotic" to eat.

Summer can be what it is meant to be — a relaxing family time — or an extension of craziness from the school year. It's up to you. Other than swimming lessons, my girls are completely free to sleep late, color, swing, play with the neighbor kids, and be kids. That is, after they pick up their rooms!

Focus on Your Relationship

2007-06-01T07:58:00.000-06:00

Certain times of the year can create chaos for families. May is one of them. With school wrapping up and workplaces scrambling to complete projects before people take vacation, it can feel very stressful.

May was particularly busy for my family this year. (As you can tell from the lack of posts here!) With one daughter in kindergarten, there were suddenly three people in our house with "agendas." Natalie had piano lessons and soccer practice and school parties and picnics and a recital and more birthday parties than I can recall. We added her schedule to two careers, one of which is in transition from a home-based freelance business to a corporate communications position.

Thank goodness my youngest is out of diapers!

One of the struggles for my husband and me was the feeling that we were two ships passing in the night. I would get home and he would leave for a meeting or to mow the lawn or to exercise. He would get home and I would leave for a meeting or exercise or community activity. I also had a business trip this month that took me away for two days.

We missed each other. And it made us grumpy.

Through the difficult times of raising young children, my husband and I have always tried to make time for each other. I have a strong belief that children benefit the most from parents who get along well...and even like each other! We all have our moments of irritation, but the key to a successful partnership is to prevent apathy from creeping into your home. I've seen too many couples and marriages in my day fall apart because the parents were focused on everything else in their busy lives except each other.

My husband and I try to plan date nights regularly. Usually, we just go out to dinner without the kids. We can focus on each other, enjoy a leisurely meal, and breathe. We also like to talk while in the car. The kids have their needs and opinions during the drive, but we make a point to tell them that "Mommy and Daddy are talking right now."

On the weekends, we also tend to stay in bed a little longer to "check in" while the kids watch cartoons. My husband also calls me from work at least once a day to say hi and talk about evening plans. Dr. Bill Harley of Marriage Builders (www.marriagebuilders.com) recommends spending at least 15 hours a week of uninterrupted time with your spouse for a happy marriage. This doesn't seem like a lot until you try it in a busy family. But I agree with him.

If we have a problem, my husband and I really try to talk about it. Arguments and misunderstandings are common, but we try to think big picture: we are a team, we will work it out together, we will find a compromise.

I want my children to grow up seeing how a good marriage works and the importance of mutual respect and affection between a man and woman. By modeling in our marriage, I will teach my girls how to stay on equal ground with a man and my husband will teach them how a man should treat a woman.

And as for learning the virtue of patience, it's so much easier when you have a partner who can take the reins when you've had enough! That's what team family is all about...a shoulder to lean on.

I challenge you in your marriage or relationship to model healthy communication and problem solving. Spend some time alone together! Turn off the television. Barter for babysitting with another couple. Sit outside after the kids are asleep and enjoy the quiet. Even if you don't feel like it at first or don't know what to say, I promise that it will do wonders.

Stop and Listen

2007-05-09T10:17:00.000-06:00

I've heard from many parents who say that their children have taught them so much about themselves...their capacity for love, gentleness, multi-tasking, patience...and just how little sleep they can get and still function.

Seriously, I believe that our children or any children who come into our lives can teach us about ourselves — just as our adult relationships help us understand our purpose and talents and weaknesses. The key is to be mindful of what each relationship and experience is trying to teach us.

It is often during conflict or doubt that we learn the most. When we struggle with a child, we must dip into our resources for problem-solving without getting mired in the emotions of the moment. Whether you are arguing with a 3-year-old or a 15-year-old, the view from the outside looks pretty ridiculous. Who is the adult in this picture?

We all want our feelings validated. We need others to acknowledge our joy or pain or confusion, or else we sense a void. Losing that connection to our children can be one of life's most frustrating experiences. We love them so much that it hurts, but we struggle to communicate these feelings when it comes to discipline and guidance. Some of us are too permissive. Some of us are too strict. Some of us are too distracted by our own "stuff."

Simple answers? Sorry. But I will say that the main thing our children want from us is time. We need to slow down long enough and often enough to catch the subtle and not so subtle cues for, "Hey, Mom. Hey, Dad. I need to talk to you about something really important. I want to spend time with you."

When a small child wants to crawl into your lap...When a teen hangs out in the garage around you, watching and not saying much...When a gradeschooler throws his bookbag and storms to his room...When your child wants to talk your ear off about every detail of her day...please stop and listen. Validate their feelings. Keep your stuff and your needs out of it. Wait for them to open up by practicing patience and the kind of love that feels so good that it hurts.

Remember: patience is practiced through empathy, mindfulness, and self-leadership. Put yourself in your child's shoes, stay in the moment, and view parenting as your greatest act of service to the world.

Keep watching for the cues to open communication and spend time throughout your children's lives. They will continue to need you. And you will learn even more about yourself.

The Love and Jealousy of Siblings

2007-04-19T14:20:00.000-06:00

Lately, my two daughters have shown an overabundance of love towards me. They will fight over who gets to sit by me at a restaurant and will choose to ride with me in my car instead of with their father. My 3-year-old is frightened of going anywhere unless she knows that I'm going along. My 6-year-old wants me to play the same games and read the same stories to her as to her sister.

As much as I Iove the affection and attention, I know that their fondness is not about me. It's about oneupmanship. It's about competition. They are naturally seeking to understand how they rate with each other in the estimation of a loved one.

Don't play the game, parents. It's too easy to fall into comparisons of your children or judgments based on their skills or behavior. Be conscientious of their attempts to compete for your attention and find ways to dole it out with fairness and wisdom.

An easy way to create fairness is to require the kids to take turns. One sits by you this time, the next kid gets his turn, and so on.

Create special one-on-one time with each child. It doesn't have to be the same activity, but involves attention with just them. Take one to a coffee shop to play a board game. Take another fishing. Plan reading time with each. Encourage one-on-one interaction through family chores like inviting one along to the car wash or raking up spring leaves together. Allow the kids to take turns choosing their favorite meal for the month and let them help you prepare it.

If one parent is becoming "the favorite," encourage the kids to do things with the other parent, letting them know that it's important to spend time with both of you to learn different things and have different fun. If you're a single parent, promises of one-on-one time are more challenging, but can be remedied with the help of a trusted friend or grandparent. Even if you have an outing with one child once a month — as simple as running errands together and getting an ice cream — it builds their sense of self and their connection to you as a positive influence.

The sibling rivalry factor will be lifelong, but harmless if you avoid comparisons and acknowledge each child's unique qualities and talents.

As for the favorite parent thing, I quickly learned my place on the love meter when we had lunch with Nana the other day. I sat alone on my side of the booth.

Rescuers and Referees

2007-04-11T12:32:00.000-06:00

There are many styles of parenting based on the life experiences and belief systems of parents.

One father wants his son to be masculine, so he puts him into aggressive sports like wrestling and talks to him about "women's work" and "men's work." When he punishes him, it's often with his own hands.

Another father wants to be his son's friend, indulging his interests and desires with toys and activities and money and giving him a long rope for experimentation. He jokes with him about the times he got "wasted" and allows him to bring friends over to party, feeling that it's safer under his own roof. After all, boys will be boys.

You may know parents like this. But between the spectrum of total control over our children's beliefs and actions and 100 percent freedom, there are many shades of gray. Consider two more parenting styles:

THE RESCUER - Also known as helicopter parents, they rush in at the slightest whimper from their child. They handle things for their child to save her from potential embarrassment, ridicule, rejection, disappointment...or any mistakes. They indulge the protective instinct that grew from caring for a helpless newborn, and still view their children as vulnerable even into adulthood. They are well-intentioned...a bit perfectionistic...and can't seem to let go. Their children learn to be helpless and to rely on them for every decision and action they make.

THE REFEREE - Tending toward an authoritarian parenting style, these parents rule the roost and there isn't room for debate. It's their playbook or the bench. They fear giving their kids too much leeway or they'll foul out of the game. Children learn to do things according to what the parents expect and become good followers of authority. But they do not gain the skills to become leaders themselves, able to weigh their options and the potential consequences.

Knowing when to let go and knowing when to protect is every parent's challenge. But just as we teach them to dress themselves and make their own beds, we must also teach them how to make good decisions on their own. Instead of rescuers and referees who believe that we are better judges for our children, we must become mediators and guide our children through problem solving...as early as possible.

From a fight over toys to a fight over going to the next party, there will be many opportunities to mediate. And like a mediator, we must work on staying emotionally neutral. We are not their friends or their enemies. We are teachers. We are guardians of their character and safety. Rules are created for safety and to navigate a world that won't be as loving or understanding.

When children understand the reasons behind the rules, the rules are easier to follow. When children feel a sense of personal power, within our guidance, they will be more open to communication that outlines the consequences of their decisions. They will feel secure, yet free to choose wisely.

Children live for today. We must help them envision the future, a future that hinges on the decisions they make each day. This includes who they hang out with, how they present themselves to the world, the music they listen to, the activities they take up, the games they play, the goals they set.

I'm not saying that a kid with purple hair is out of control. Parents need to weigh the superficial against their child's goals and character. Is the purple hair an outward expression of their creativity or an expression of a problem? The distinction is obviously important. How we respond — with anger and ultimatums or respect and guidance — is really important.

Sometimes you might feel totally lost as your children grow and change and face hardship before your eyes. But don't give up. They need you.

And when they do, be careful to find out if the situation calls for rescuing, refereeing, mediating — maybe even cheerleading.

"You're smart! You're brave! I know that you can handle it! Gooooo, parents!"

Support for Tweens and Teens

2007-03-26T19:33:00.000-06:00

An editorial in my local paper made a legitimate point about the importance of support for parents of tweens and teens. While there are a lot of resources and educational opportunities to learn about raising young children through the primary years — ECFE, parent play groups, magazines — the abundance dries up to a trickle once children hit middle school.

It is almost assumed in our education system and communities that parents should have a handle on parenting by the time their children are 12. But the rules of parenting change drastically at this stage of a child's development. Not only are children experiencing big physical changes, their search for identity apart from their parents really kicks into high gear!

Friends and social structures and how they fit into them become even more important. Parents need to be prepared to respond not only to changes in their child's attitude and mood, but also to new questions and concerns the child may have but doesn't know how to express.

I emphasize communication in my workshops because keeping lines open with a child of any age is critical — and the language has to change as the needs change.

For example, a 15-year-old who is showing a "moody streak" and refusing to do chores or follow established rules could have other troubles brewing under the surface. This child can't be spanked or redirected; the parent needs to be sensitive to a potentially deeper issue. It could be the new friend he has at school who doesn't seem to experience the same limits at home. It could be that he is feeling pressure to succeed but has an overwhelming schedule. It could be that he craves a sense of autonomy, being treated more like the adult he feels that he is. Ask questions to draw him out; avoid snap judgements.

Even at this age, temperament comes into play. If you had a feisty youngster who bounced off walls and physically expressed frustration, your older child may feel that same level of sensitivity and frustration but has been socialized to hide or suppress it...until it boils into a rage at school or home. Find ways with your child to channel this abundance of energy into a sport, music, or a challenging goal like saving for a car. Be wary of signs that your child is handling her frustration with unhealthy choices or the wrong crowd of friends.

If your child has always been more introverted, he may need some quiet time in his room after a long day at school. Introverted or slow-to-adapt children get exhausted by social contact for long periods. They need quiet time to regroup: to read, sew, play a computer game, or listen to the mp3 player.

I also encourage parents of older children to make sit-down family dinners a huge priority at least 3 or 4 times a week. Studies have shown that the incidence of addiction decreases dramatically and a teen's feeling of being able to talk to a parent about serious issues increases. This might mean sacrificing some extracurricular or personal activities for the sake of your family, but avoiding the social pressure to overschedule will pay dividends in the long run.

Get your child involved in the preparation of the family meal as a ritual you can all enjoy. Turn off the television. Play relaxing dinner music. Discuss your day and keep the mood positive to encourage socializing and digestion! If there are important concerns to discuss, schedule a time after dinner to talk with your child or spouse.

As your children mature, think about ways to include them on important family decisions — a job change or caring for a grandparent — to acknowledge that their input is appreciated and respected in team family.

If you have any questions about your tween or teen, I'd love to hear them. Post a comment or email me at express@bctelco.net

Dealing With Bad Language

2007-03-15T08:17:00.000-06:00

Let's face it. We all have our favorite curse words. They might be really nasty ones and they might be ones we've made up to avoid the nasty ones. Regardless, it's embarrassing as our children begin to talk and model us when those curse words are first used...and used appropriately.

Reacting to bad language is an art, I think. For the little toddler who yells "S**t" when he spills his milk, we can either ignore the remark or provide several alternative words... "Oh, shoot, oh darn, oh gosh, oh golly..." as we clean up. What we want to avoid at this point is making a big deal out of the word, laughing or getting angry. The child doesn't know what he is saying; he is simply modeling. Providing alternative words in a sing-song happy voice worked for both of my daughters. They began to use the other words and forgot all about the bad word.

You can begin to reason with children around age 3 about bad words. Once I'm sure what the child has said, I would say, "That is not a nice word. I like this word better." And offer the alternative.

As children get older, they will recognize bad words on their own. When they don't, you could again point out the bad word and ask them what other word they could use instead. Have them solve the problem and choose a word that they prefer. "I like to say, 'Oh, man!' What do you think you could say when something goes wrong?" Don't ignore the word; they need to know at this point that language is a big deal. It creates a first impression. It can show respect or disrespect to others.

Provide alternative ways to express frustration: “I’m mad at him.” “I don’t like that game.” "She isn't being nice to me."

Work on communication skills every day. Read with your children. Practice enunciation of letters. Explain the meaning of new words you use and spell them. Encourage a frustrated child to use words to express his feelings. Model respectful language by asking for assistance from children rather than demanding it. Say “please” and “thank you” and “good morning.” Think about how you want people to talk to you and practice that level of communication with your children. Remember, they are great copycats.

The other day, I used one of my favorite child-friendly expressions for surprise: Holy Buckets! My daughter Natalie, who is 6, said "Mommy, that is not a nice word." I told her that it was actually okay to say that, and we proceeded to create a game out of other silly expressions...Holy Moly! Holy Cow! Holy Boots!

We were having fun with language, but not at the expense of each other.

Spanking Etiquette

2007-03-05T09:39:00.000-06:00

One of the biggest controversies among parents is corporal punishment, also known as spanking. I’ve talked to moms who recall their encounters with their father’s belt, a wooden spoon, or an open hand to the face. They usually make light of it, that it only hurt their pride. They even say that it helped them know when they had pushed a parent too far. It was their boundary between independence and dependence.

When I ask them if they spank their own children, they turn serious. The ones who admit it tend to qualify it by saying it’s very infrequent. Or they explain how they spank— to avoid any impression that they are beating their children to a pulp. The ones who don’t spank, or don’t admit to it, offer alternatives such as time-outs, time-ins, or sending their children to another part of the house...so they don't beat them to a pulp.

What is the role of spanking, aside from an idle threat when our children are driving us crazy? I believe that we should have as many tools as possible in our parenting kit. Spanking can be effective, but I qualify that statement by saying that not all parents or caretakers are up to the responsibility. Here are my guidelines, and they have proven effective with my own children. (Yes, I have spanked them.)

•SPANKING IS A LAST RESORT. It is never the first choice in a parent’s toolkit. It is best used sparingly, and only to correct clearly willful behavior or behavior that poses a risk to the child’s safety. When reasoning and diversion and choices have not ensured the child’s change of behavior, one sharp open-handed slap on the fanny can be the catalyst for change. Willful behavior that threatens the child’s safety (or another child) includes running into the street, repetitive climbing in unsafe areas, crawling under a vehicle, throwing toys, or playing with matches.

•SPANKING REQUIRES THOUGHT. You have to understand your child and her motives before choosing to spank. If your child is developmentally delayed, she might not know that running into the street is dangerous. But if your child is obviously looking for you and watching your reaction as she runs toward the street, it can be a sign that she is testing her limits. Making a conscious choice to correct this behavior must be done with thought and calmness before the behavior occurs again. If you are already angry, then you aren’t thinking and you can’t spank.

•SPANKING IS SURPRISING. This discipline tool must catch a child off guard. The element of surprise is what creates the mental shift for your child. After rescuing your child from running into the street or stopping him from throwing a toy at another child, you should calmly bend down without engaging him and deliver the spank, followed by a sharp, “No!” If the child is older than 3, you may also explain why you spanked him. “Throwing toys is a hurting choice,” you might say, or “When you run into the street, then cars could run over you.” Your explanation can be delivered in a stern, but not angry voice so the child focuses on your words.

If the child is crying after getting a proper spanking, it has been a good learning experience. His feelings are hurt, but not his body. From this point on, the threat of a spanking can sometimes be all that is required to improve behavior. If you spank regularly, however, you probably already know that this tool is broken.

Please send me your thoughts on spanking by commenting on this post. And comment on other posts to be eligible for a quarterly drawing of fun stuff from Femail Creations! www.femailcreations.com

Patient Parent Top Picks

2007-02-18T19:26:00.000-06:00

Each month, my blog will post some interesting resources that I've discovered in the area of patient parenting, inspiration, and personal success. Here are my recommendations for February:

Brain, Child Magazine
This magazine is full of new research and ideas on promoting your child's physical and intellectual development. Mothers debate current events as they apply to their own experiences and submit their favorite songs with new lyrics. It's fun and insightful. You can get four issues for $19.95 by going to www.brainchildmag.com or calling (888) 304-6667.

"This Year, I Will..."
A book about breaking habits and keeping resolutions. M.J. Ryan, author of "The Power of Patience" and "The Happiness Makeover" offers a book with stories and wisdom on creating new positive habits and moving toward a more fulfilling and healthy life. I found some great "instant gratification" ideas in this book without a lot of reading. I learned that I am doing some good things already, like creating focus by naming the year. See page 73. I also have to recommend "This Year I Will..." because one of my stories is in it. Check out my "Old Yeller" story on page 58. You can find out if you're really ready to make a change by taking M.J. Ryan's quiz at www.mj-ryan.com

www.i-love-stickers.com
Need a break? Let the kids go nuts with sticker books. This site is the best for birthday gift ideas or to give your children something to look forward to in the mail. For only $10 you can join a Preschooler sticker of the month club and get monthly mailings of hundreds of stickers with familiar characters, birthday stickers and holiday stickers. It's really fun to see what will show up next. They also have sticker packs for teachers, just girls, just boys, teens and scrapbooking. The customer service is really great, too. Just go to www.i-love-stickers.com and check it out.

If you have other parenting resources to share, post a comment or email me at express@bctelco.net.

A Test of Patience

2007-02-07T14:03:00.000-06:00

On Tuesday this week I experienced one of the ultimate tests of patience...getting stuck in traffic. But this wasn't any normal traffic jam. This traffic was the result of billowy clouds of snow that whipped up like smoke to blind drivers, and sheets of packed snow that reduced speeds to 2 miles per hour.

Between 6:30 a.m. and 8:15 a.m., I had managed to drive only about 45 miles. By the time I considered turning around, traffic was backed up both ways. I kept thinking to myself that traffic would open up. I wondered if I could have taken a better route. I realized that I would soon need to pee.

We hear a lot these days about road rage. In fact, a driver in the Twin Cities recently shot a man in another vehicle after both drivers had careened through traffic, angry about who knows what, trying to drive each other off the road. At a mall a couple of weeks ago, I witnessed a more typical example of road rage when my husband was trying to turn into the parking lot and another driver raced up to the intersection and cut past him from the opposite corner, shouting and gesturing at us as he drove by. I waved and smiled. My husband gunned the engine as though to rear-end him.

Hmm.

So there I was, stuck in traffic yesterday and thinking that this was an ultimate test of patience. What could I do? I couldn't blink myself out of there. But I did have a choice. I could fume and worry about the precious daylight I was burning. I could beat myself up for ever leaving the house. I could direct my anger at the giant truck that was blocking my view.

I would have made one or all of these choices in the past. In the short run, it would have helped me vent frustration and take back some sense of control. But in the long run?

In the long run I would have finally arrived at work angry and exhausted from all that negative energy. I would have difficulty focusing and getting down to work. I would affect the people around me with my no-good very bad mood.

This last piece is something that road ragers fail to recognize in their quest to get even or save face or show how tough and important they are. Everything they do affects other people. Did these drivers realize that other people were on the road that day? Did they think that their reckless behavior could have killed an innocent person? And where did the anger leave them? Hospitalized. On the run from police.

When we dehumanize others, we justify violence and lose a piece of our souls. Instead of viewing the cars on the road as barriers to our self-important egos, we need to remember that there are people in there just trying to live their lives, to earn a living, to arrive safely to people they care about. They are just like us.

Sitting in my car yesterday, I thought of those people around me. We were all stuck. We all had somewhere to go. Turning up the talk radio, I continued to shuffle along, enjoying the break in the action and feeling grateful that my car was reliable and warm.

In the long run? I made the best of a crummy situation. I wrote a blog about it that may help others be more patient.

Blessings to your next journey and test of patience.

Love Thy Self

2007-02-01T22:42:00.000-06:00

I used to wake up most mornings and drag myself out of bed grudgingly. It was too early. My husband kept me awake with his snoring. I had too much work and too little time to sleep.

These were my excuses. The sad fact was that I was depressed and didn't know it.

Depression can take many forms. It can make you feel like crawling back into bed and never coming out. It can make you angry at the slightest inconvenience or noise. It can feel like PMS.

Various statistics report that anywhere from 17 million to 30 million people are diagnosed with depression each year. Most point to drug therapy as the answer, but as my angry liver post explained it can also be caused by your diet.

You can read over that post to see what I mean. But since I've been feeling better, mornings aren't so horrible anymore. In fact, I have some tips for you on starting the day off right.

•Smile at Yourself. Give yourself a big toothy smile in the mirror, first thing each morning. Even if you don't feel like it, your brain doesn't know it. You can fool yourself into feeling better.

•Bless Yourself. Instead of letting that lame old tape run through your head of all your flaws and should do's, fight back with a compliment or a blessing. Tell yourself that you have beautiful skin if you frequently search for blemishes. Stretch your hands high over your head and bring them down into a prayer stance. Bow your head and wish yourself well. During a recent outing with my family, I saw a man who had suffered burns on his face and I thought, "Skin is remarkable. I have beautiful skin."

•Get Up Earlier Than the Children. It's so nice to have a few moments to yourself in the quiet before the bustle begins. When it's warm, I like to go out on my deck and get a breath of fresh air. I also like to tiptoe into my children's bedrooms and watch them sleeping. In the winter, a hot bath also feels really good. In order to get up early, I challenge all parents to get to bed by 9 p.m. at least one night a week. This is a reasonable goal.

•Make Your Bed. There is nothing better than seeing a tidy room when you've had a chaotic day. Your bedroom can be one room that feels tranquil and orderly. Try to keep the clothes picked up and your bed in order so it's easy to crawl back in at night.

•Speak Softly. Nobody likes a rude awakening in the morning. Rudeness like flipping on the lights and yelling sets up the potential for your children to dish the same behavior back at you. Instead, sit on the edge of the bed, pat your children gently on the back and wake them up with a cheerful voice. They might not get up right away, but gentle persistence pays off even if you have to sit them up or start singing the "Good Morning" song from "Singin' in the Rain."

Being annoying is far better than being a bully. And being silly is a good start to the day.

Learning from Others

2007-01-24T08:14:00.000-06:00

I taught a two-hour class this month on the topic of patience and responsibility to a group of child care providers, most of them in-home providers. It was toward the end of the week and I could tell that many of the women in the group were worn out and more prepared to sit back and listen than participate.

So I was pleasantly surprised when, into the second hour, some of them began to open up about their experiences and share their methods for handling feisty children.

Feisty children are those children who tend to test our patience with their larger-than-life reactions, their energy and craving for attention. Although they can feel like the worst kids when you are trying to fulfill the needs of a group of children, I try to emphasize to parents and childcare providers that feisty children can be great leaders if their energy is channeled appropriately.

For example, a child who is "bossy" can be guided by putting her in charge of a project or duty. She can be the line leader or the snack helper or be in charge of making sure the shoes are lined up and coats put away. It is also important to model good behavior to these children because they look to adults to deal with their low frustration tolerance and high sensitivity.

Be aware of your reactions to stressful situations. The bigger their meltdown, the calmer you need to become. Take a breath, think, and speak softly.

A child who has a meltdown or cries at the slightest frustration can be encouraged when adults acknowledge their helpfulness, their intelligence, or their accomplishment when they have persisted at a difficult task. "Try, try again. I know you can do it. You are so smart. I really appreciate your help on this."

As the providers began to open up, they shared some great ideas. One provider started her day with one child by requesting a hug while the parent was still there. "I really need a hug so my day goes well," she told him. She said it is really improving the child's behavior to have that positive physical contact right away in the morning.

Another provider practices a lot of time-ins by giving children lap time and having them help her. Sometimes she'll have a few children on her lap, she says, but they love it and seem to get along better through the day.

A provider with sons said that she requires them to say something nice about each other when they are fighting to diffuse tension and encourage empathy. What a great way to build positive communication in your home!

I encourage parents and childcare providers to find others who share their challenges and stage of life in order to gain new insight and ideas on patience and discipline. Sometimes it just helps to feel like you're not alone. And that next idea could be the perfect thing to help a feisty child soar to new heights (not literally, of course. I don't advocate soaring in the house.)

Seriously, from a mom who has her own feisty child, take a second look at those challenging children. They have beautiful gifts to share with someone who believes in them.

The Art of Doing Nothing

2007-01-15T07:52:00.000-06:00

You have permission to nap more often. This is the mantra of SARK, an author who has made napping into an art form.

I interviewed her once when she was planning an appearance in Minnesota. She said that she pays close attention to her body rhythms. When she feels like working, she works. When she needs rest, she rests. That could mean working at 2 a.m. and going back to bed at 10 a.m.

When was the last time you had a nap? I used to think that napping was for other people. It seemed like such a waste of time. I had a job, two children, a husband, a house. Who could think of napping?

I didn't even nap when my children were infants. That was my productive time to work on the computer or clean up the kitchen from breakfast and lunch. Even as I read or rocked my babies, my mind was often thinking of my to-do list.

Now my babies are 6 and 3. I miss the rocking.

Take it from a multi-tasking overachiever. The art of doing nothing is well worth learning. New research is proving that multi-tasking is actually less productive than focusing on one chore at a time. When we multi-task, our brains still need to pause and re-focus, which leads to those times when we stop in the middle of a room and wonder what we're doing there.

Patience requires us to slow down, to be mindful of the situation before responding. It also allows our brains to move from beta "fight or flight" mode to soothing alpha waves. When we sit down for dinner. When we read a book to our children. When we take a bath instead of a shower, without worrying about what isn't getting done, we allow our bodies and minds to regroup. Alpha brainwaves are associated with higher learning. When we slow down to handle a task or to parent our children, we have a better chance of avoiding the same mistakes.

We are also happier. Too much time in beta makes us feel stressed, frazzled, even insane.

If you are used to handling it all in your house, learning to do nothing will feel very uncomfortable...at first. It will also take some cooperation from your family members. They will think you are sick if you suddenly sit down to read or take a nap. You will need to explain to them that you need some quiet time. Tell them that they are free to join you as long as they are also quiet.

Lately, my husband and I have taken turns having naps on Sunday afternoons. He handles the needs of the kids and the dog while I enjoy the delicious luxury of crawling back to my bed and reading until I doze off. If you are a single parent, I suggest swapping kids with a friend to allow each of you the luxury of doing nothing. It will feel like a waste of time at first, but as you get into the habit you find that you are more productive and refreshed than you have felt in a long time.

Don't you deserve one or two hours a week of sanity time? Yes. Yes. Yes!

Allow yourself this time. It costs nothing. But the costs to your health and happiness without it are too high.

La dolce vida, my friends.

New Year Parenting Resolutions

2007-01-01T17:06:00.000-06:00

Happy New Year! I'm wrapping up my holiday break today and am ready for a highly productive 2007. I wanted to share some interesting observations from my holiday.

•When adults wind down from a busy schedule, they may pick on each other about things that otherwise don't seem to bother them. For example, a pile of holiday wrapping paper and ribbon in the laundry room. Or an empty bowl of cereal left on the counter.

•After all the presents are unwrapped and tossed around and a few broken, children will begin to whine and fight with each other again.

•The best gifts cost nothing. My favorites this year included seeing my daughters in angel and sheep costumes, singing "Get Ready for the Baby;" a fairy quest in the snowy woods at a birthday party, and trying to figure out what kind of holiday word was duct-taped to my back at a friend's Christmas party.

You may have experienced some of this yourself. If so, I challenge you to include in your resolutions a little less focus on the material and a little more focus on the spiritual, as in feeding your spirit and the spirits of those you love. It starts with little things, like stopping to listen to your child finish a sentence or story and responding to show you heard her. It means greeting your family members with "Good Morning!" even if you're really tired. It means cutting out the cuss words even when you're really angry. It means thanking your children when they help around the house.

My daughter recently wrote a cinquain poem about me, and it helped me understand how she sees me in relation to her life.

C
Helpful, Loving
Working, Working, Working
Taking Kids Fun Places
Mommy

The line about working did make me pause, but again if this is how I'm remembered in this wonderful life, I can't complain.

Ask your children sometime to describe you. Their answers may surprise you.

Angry Liver

2006-12-14T11:57:00.001-06:00

Welcome to Anger Management with Children. You're in for a treat as we offer all tips, tricks and wisdom to achieve patience in our dealings with little and big people. Please keep in mind that while many of my posts will offer practical advice and ideas to use right away at home or in your day care, some of them will just be for fun. Like this one:

As my first official post to Anger Management With Children, I'd like to make a confession. I've been diagnosed with an angry liver. No, it's true. Over Thanksgiving break I went to a chiropractic clinic for an eletrodermal screening. I was hooked up to a laptop, given a steel rod to hold for connectivity and then had my acupressure points tested on my hands and feet.

Conclusion? I had parasites. About half of my body systems were weakened and I was severely dehydrated. Oh, and my liver was probably causing anger and a sluggish libido. The liver metabolizes toxins, my reader said, and I was full of it... I mean, them.

I was sent home with more than $100 in multi-vitamins, active enzymes, and good gut bacteria with a follow-up check in 5 weeks to see if anything had improved.

It's been a few weeks and I haven't had my follow-up check yet. But I find that I'm not flying off the handle like I was when something didn't go right. However, I'm having very vivid dreams and feel like I'm not sleeping (the one thing that was going well for me before). Maybe the good gut bacteria I'm taking at bedtime is making war with the parasites.

I also seem to think about sex more often. Actually, I wasn't thinking about it at all before; the idea actually repulsed me. Too tired, I told myself. I have enough demands on my time, I reasoned. But it was probably just my liver.

I am drinking more water because the multi-vitamin and milk thistle drops and parasite eradicator are taken in water. I also noticed that when I drink pop, I actually feel dehydrated. Those ads from Coca-Cola about soda helping to hydrate you are rather suspect.

Oh, I still raise my voice and show impatience at times, but it's not like before when I would transform like a werewolf at the slightest threat to my well-ordered plan for the day or the socks left on the floor or the remnants of chewed up carpeting left by our 10-month-old labrador.

No, life is turning around rather nicely. And I owe it all to naturopathic medicine. Go natural and maybe you'll stop yelling at the kids.