Anger Management With Children

Slapped in the Head

noreply@blogger.com (— The Patient Parent) — Tue, 15 Dec 2009 20:47:00 +0000

Monday morning. After dropping off my girls at the bus stop, I drove into my driveway and reached for the garage door remote. It was gone. It is normally clipped to my sun visor, but it wasn’t there anymore.

Keep in mind that it was 7:30. I was up at 5:30 that day and had already been to the gym, whipped up some French toast and gotten two tired girls ready for school.

No shower yet, and I was locked out of my house.

Did it occur to me that I had just used the remote to close the garage door before going to the bus stop? No. I was in full panic mode. It was easier to assume that my husband took it.

Pre-caffeine logic told me that perhaps his remote didn’t work this morning. In his haste, he grabbed mine…thinking that I would be home all day and wouldn’t need it.

I laughed a little and decided to forgive him, and drove to town to get my remote from his truck. On the way, I enjoyed a little holiday music. I patted myself on the back for being so patient. (“Yes, I am a good wife. I am very patient. My husband is fortunate to have such a patient wife. He should realize how patient I am.”)

It was a bitterly cold day. I got out of my car and flipped up the hood of my jacket. That’s when I felt the garage door remote slap me in the back of the head.

It must have fallen into my jacket while I twisted around to stuff lunch money into the girls’ backpacks.

I never got angry. It seems like that red monster is no longer a big factor in my life. It takes a lot to rile me up.

I didn't feel embarrassed either. I called up my husband and told him how silly I was.

But in the final analysis, it seems that two old dogs, Judgment and Pride, are still hot on my trail.

I immediately assumed that my husband took the remote and inconvenienced me — the residue of past wounds. And when I reacted with patience instead of anger, I felt soooo proud of myself. ("I am such a good and understanding wife.")

Phooey. No wonder I couldn’t find the remote. I was blinded by judgment and pride.

Whenever we think we know someone soooo well, judgment tells us to always expect the same result from them. People don't change, judgment says. We don't see evidence to the contrary because we are too busy looking for evidence to keep them on the naughty list.

And whenever we feel the slightest sense of superiority for our views, knowledge, talent or "selfless" acts …that’s pride, baby.

We end up blind, deaf and lame. Locked out of the house. Shivering in the cold and stinky from that workout.

After this latest misadventure, all I know is that I don’t know anything. Somehow there’s peace in the not knowing, the not judging, the not assuming. There is peace in seeing every person and experience with fresh eyes day by day.

Try it with your kids, your love, your friends or co-workers. It's more refreshing than a slap in the head!

GrATTITUDE on the Path to True Love

noreply@blogger.com (— The Patient Parent) — Sun, 18 Oct 2009 21:26:00 +0000

Minnesota weather has not exactly treated us kindly in the last couple of weeks. We could be fairly justified in our feelings of annoyance with a frigid fall and a very short summer.

And yet, how does it really hurt us? In Minnesota, weather is a fun topic of conversation that bridges all cultures and backgrounds. We never know what it will bring from one day to the next. Besides, when more than three weeks of snow or three weeks of heat hit us, many of us Minnesotans start getting antsy for change.

So hooray for crazy Minnesota weather!!!

On the path to true love, attitude is everything. You CAN make lemonade out of lemons. In fact, you can make a three-layer lemon meringue tart when you really get this idea of love.

Instead of my usual grumbling and depression about the cold this year, I was strangely surprised that it didn’t even bother me. Instead, I marveled at the beauty of the early snowflakes and got excited about wearing tights and fun boots. I thought about enjoying my canned tomatoes in chili and soups. I thought about all the indoor projects and writing I could focus on once the snow really falls. I thought about tubing and skating with my girls.

One of my friends asked me recently: “Are you watching too much Oprah?”

Nope, I just finally woke up from a long slumber of bad attitude. And WHAM! Gratitude hit me right up side the head. My mind and my life haven’t been the same since.

Case in point: The other day my husband and Nats went fishing. It was a pretty cold day, so I insisted on making them sandwiches and sending along some soup in a thermos even though my husband said I didn’t have to bother. But I did it. I stopped working on my computer, came upstairs and helped them get ready — cheerfully. Now I’m sure that many wives and mothers just do this because it’s the right thing to do. Many of them might even do it cheerfully.

Unfortunately, a couple years ago I would have probably sent them on their way without lunch — GRATEFUL that at least a couple family members were out of the house so I could work (or sulk or whatever I did back then).

This time was different. I made the lunch and I felt good that I could be helpful. When my husband got ready to leave for fishing, he gave me one of those long hugs that you feel in your bones and soak up like sunshine because it’s so sincere. He thanked me and said he loved me.

If I died today, I would die happy because of that hug. And THAT, my friends, is gratitude. No matter what comes your way, if you face it with gratitude and see the blessing (or important lesson) in each moment — your mind and life will never be the same.

It will be miraculous.

Humility on the Path to True Love

noreply@blogger.com (— The Patient Parent) — Sat, 26 Sep 2009 16:30:00 +0000

“Sometime in your life, hope that you might see one starved man, the look on his face when the bread finally arrives. Hope that you might have baked it or bought or even kneaded it yourself. For that look on his face, for your meeting his eyes across a piece of bread, you might be willing to lose a lot, or suffer a lot, or die a little, even.”

—Daniel Berrigan

I won’t say anything about humility much better than Daniel Berrigan, but I have been thinking about humility for a while now — and why it’s so hard to practice.

Fighting for what we need is human instinct. An infant won’t be fed or changed or picked up unless he fusses and frets and demands attention.

“Look at me! I’m important! I need something from you!”

When children begin to realize that they are separate from their parents, they also develop a self-centered view. They strive every day to control and conquer.

A friend of mine illustrated this beautifully when she said that her toddler likes to climb on top of things, but he doesn’t know how to get down. So he screams in frustration until mom or dad helps him.

Skills like patience and empathy aren’t natural. We think of ourselves first, then we might consider the needs of others. Independence and individualism are celebrated. We clap when baby takes her first steps away from us, when she feeds herself and — halleluia — when she can climb in and buckle her own seatbelt.

Soon she’s stepping on the school bus, going to sleepovers and making decisions about her friends, behavior and morals. If those decisions aren’t consciously grounded in values like empathy, honesty, patience and kindness, the child will default to reactive choices that are best for her in the moment.

“That toy is mine! I need it more than you do! You don’t matter to me!”

We become little kings and queens protecting our domain and using others to go where we want to go, get what we can get and be who we want to be. And society tells us for the most part that it’s okay to strive and achieve and be somebody.

Still, when we hear stories of people who risk or deny their own lives to save or help others, something moves within us. We feel inspired. We feel hopeful.

In fact, ordinary people are serving each other every day. When they get their kids ready for school, when they show up for their jobs, when they run errands for the family or help in their communities and churches, they are providing a service and keeping society afloat.

The question we must ask ourselves then is this: Are we simply giving in order to get? What’s our motivation?

If I go to work, I’ll get paid. If I help in the community or my church, I’ll look good, get a better opportunity or earn favors from others. If I run this errand, then no one will bother me the rest of the day. If I do this for my spouse, he better give me something in return. If the kids have what they need, they better show some appreciation.

If the self is always our motivation, then we will never be satisfied. At some point, people will disappoint us, abandon us or reject us.

When disappointment comes, we can climb on a counter and scream at the top of our lungs. We can build a wall to prevent further disappointment. Or we can shrug it off and focus on the next opportunity to please ourselves.

OR…we can shift our motivation.

If pride is love of self, humility is not its opposite — sacrifice of self — at least not in the way we think. “Look at me. I’m such a loser. I’m less than dirt. Here, you have the last piece of pie. It’s okay. Don’t worry about me. (heavy sigh).”

In fact, we are greater than we know. But we will never reach our full potential and see the miracles and abundance of life until we place the needs and wellbeing of others ahead of our own — in all things and in all circumstances.

What good is my reputation, achievements or stuff if I’m empty inside, alone? To find my life, I must lose it. I must give all, risk all, lay all the cards down with no expectation of a positive result or gain for me.

When humility is a way of life, people will still disappoint, abandon and reject us. But we will no longer react to their pain with a punch, a scream or escape. We will show up with true love.

noreply@blogger.com (— The Patient Parent) — Tue, 18 Aug 2009 00:18:00 +0000

My grandmother Mabel Dougherty died this morning after a long and beautiful
life.

She was a WWII bride who raised her first son alone for two years while my Grandpa Jack was a German prisoner of war. She then raised six children on a dairy farm in Litchfield, Minnesota. She fought cancer almost to the death in her 50s and survived.

She faced widowhood too soon when Jack died of lung cancer at age 62. She never remarried.

She left the family farm, which she and Jack never owned, and faced an auction of many of her things before moving to a mobile home. Then she moved to assisted living in town. Then she moved to a nursing home. Each time, her possessions decreased. But her talent for an orderly home never did.

Her talents ranged from baking to quilting to horseback riding. I once watched her butcher a dozen chickens in quick succession with the swing of an ax. I also remember strawberry picking and afternoons of bringing lunch to Grandpa and the farmhands in the field. Mabel was a hardworking farm wife who expected a lot from her children as much as she expected help from God. She was a converted Methodist and devoted Catholic who believed in the power of prayer. Her rosary is lovingly worn.

She did the best she could with a large family and the pressures that came with it. Perhaps some could have done better than she in the same situation, and I suspect some worse. But I'll remember her for her home cooking, hugs, her sense of humor and her ability to find faith when life didn't always prove fair or right. She was a sharp dresser and a beautiful lady inside and out. She loved red shoes and dancing.

She used to tell me the story of how she and Jack first met. He came with another gal to a dance. But he left with Grandma! His letters to her during the war are filled with devotion and hope for a grand future.

She made my childhood a dream and her death, though expected, makes me realize the importance of not wasting a single day. Why, when life is at an end, would we ever regret a moment of happiness or begrudge it for another? Why would we fail to forgive or pray for healing? Can't we live every day in that state of compassionate, dying grace? It's available to everyone who believes. We don't have to wait for death to find it.

God bless you, angel Mabel. You quietly slipped away when your children weren't looking. You are watching out for all of us now with your beloved Irish love. I hope his hair is as fiery red as your dancing shoes and that you're sharing a Snickers bar in a field of peonies.

Love, your granddaughter and great granddaughters

Persistence on the Path to True Love

noreply@blogger.com (— The Patient Parent) — Fri, 31 Jul 2009 20:24:00 +0000

Do you remember the “Easy” button from that office supply store commercial? Pressing a button and having everything done sounds great, doesn’t it?

That’s probably why magic lamps and genies and wishing wells and fairy godmothers and lotteries are so fun to think about. Imagine a poof of smoke, a magic wand or a windfall of money that could take all of our problems and labors away.

Nope, life doesn’t work that way. Do you wonder why? Why do things have to get bad — then worse — before we start to appreciate our families and friends and life?

Um, we’re humans. We can’t point to light without the shadow. We don’t think about slow and fast until we’re stuck in traffic and realize we haven’t eaten. We don’t notice chaos in our lives until stillness…or illness…sweeps in.

This triathlon called life is designed to help us see the truth. We are children. Then we are adults. Then we are the aged. Most of us stay focused on the exhaustion and anxiety of the race. We get distracted by the swimming, biking and running. But occasionally we catch a glimpse of the finish line.

That finish line, my friends, is true love.

Not the mushy, movie “true love.” That love is chemically engineered to get us dense humans to reproduce. Taken too seriously, chemical lusty love leads to further idiocy and sends too many of us bikers and clumsy runners careening into the ditch bloodied and bruised. The world thrives and implodes on the highs and lows of this disastrous love.

No. True love cannot easily be expressed. But when you feel it, you are never the same. It fills you so completely that anger and despair, ambition and envy dissolve like fog. It’s the love a mother can feel for her child at the sound of its first cry. It’s the love that sweeps over us in nature. It’s the love of grace when we don’t deserve forgiveness but receive it in an instant through our most desperate sorrow and repentance. The veil is lifted. We see the truth of who we really are for the first time.

This love shows you that you’ve been running asleep, biking off the path, swimming alone and sick in a sea of brothers and sisters. Every person is precious. You could never again ignore their worth, never again cross boundaries that harm them or yourself. To do so is a living death.

Yep, it sounds like I’m drinking some good wine right now. That’s just because even if you’ve felt true love, you can’t explain it. And it’s hard to BE that love because the world constantly tells you to seek achievement and pleasure, stuff and status. It tells you that you are alone. ALONE. Who could possibly love you? How could you feel it if they did? You’re nothing. You’re bad. And you’re ALONE.

Little wonder that true love is rare and hard to believe — a love sasquatch giving free hugs in the wilderness. When you see it radiating from the few humans who have recognized and embraced it, the truth can either bring you to your knees with unspeakable joy or send you screaming down another dark, but all too familiar path.

True love is really, really, really scary. It makes you face your innermost demons and realize that YOU (or who you think you are) has to die. Your life up to this defining moment is one big, fat lie. A travesty. A sin. A truly sad tale.

Who among you is brave enough to believe that a life — your life — can be changed, SAVED IN AN INSTANT? The emptiness and sickness CAN fall away in the embrace of true love. The proof is how you live from that day forward. You can’t go back. You can’t stay the same. And it’s a long race. Some minds will never be convinced. But that’s not your goal. You don’t have to come in first place and get the gold star and have everyone congratulate you on your success and be your best friends. You just have to start and persist and remember to tie your shoelaces every day.

After all, you don’t know how much time you’ve been given to set things right.

But here’s the beautiful irony: You’ve already won the race! When everything falls away and there is nothing left of YOU…true love is the tiny whisper in your heart that remains:

“I love you, kid. You never have to feel alone again. Thank you for coming home to me. It’s about time.”

No. Not easy. Just true love.

Stillness on the Path to True Love

noreply@blogger.com (— The Patient Parent) — Thu, 25 Jun 2009 22:48:00 +0000

My husband and I often go out for breakfast together on Sunday mornings after church. While our children attend Sunday school, we head out to a favorite café. I like to look at the couples around me and guess at how long they’ve been married or what their relationship is like; I watch them interact with grandchildren and friends, wonder about their joys and sorrows.

I used to wonder about couples who sat together at breakfast and never talked. They would almost meditate on the ritual of their dining, occasionally make a comment, but mostly sit in silence. In contrast, I tried to fill silences with happy chatter at my husband about my “brilliant” life philosophies and observations.

I have come to realize that one of the most important things we can do in a relationship is to shut up! Sit in stillness. Enjoy the blessing of being together.

When we are silent, we give others the opportunity to talk. This is a gift. It is also a great parenting strategy. My eldest daughter will often offer up the most wonderful stories or some of her concerns while I sit with her silently. A great time to do this is in the car or at bedtime. Avoid distractions like the radio or your to-do list and wait for your child to break the silence. It might take a few car trips, but it works.

Don’t be quick to respond. The other person may have more to share. Take in their comments without judgment. Signal to them that you are listening intently. Ask a question to clarify. Look at them in the eyes.

When I stopped worrying about how to fill dead air, I learned the most incredible things about my family. I created a safe zone for them to express things more clearly. I wasn’t focused on the next thing I wanted to say or defend or debate. I opened space to just be with them.

This is a humbling experience. To focus on another’s wellbeing and needs sometimes requires me to bite my tongue and sit in stillness until the other person feels heard — or is ready to talk. This skill works just as well in business as it does at home. Most people just want to feel heard. Then the project can move forward. The communication can begin.

The worst kind of talking is the kind used to draw attention. Children learn this early. They will prattle on louder and louder until someone pays attention to them (or tells them to be quiet). It is important to teach our children to respect when others are speaking. They should learn the importance of silence and listening — of thinking through their replies. If we don’t teach them about this, they will continue to make their presence known through speech with little value.

There is a time to talk. There is a time to be silent. Both are valuable in their proper turn. May you have the wisdom in life and in business to know the difference.

Contradiction on the Path to True Love

noreply@blogger.com (— The Patient Parent) — Thu, 18 Jun 2009 22:02:00 +0000

When my daughter came home from school one day and complained that a little boy was teasing her, I smiled and told her that the boy must really like her. I told her that the next time this boy teased her, she should say, "I know you like me."

This idea surprised her. She smiled herself and vowed to try it.

Contradiction can be an empowering experience. It is part of our path to wholeness.

I have a dear friend who is very good at sweetly smiling at people when they ask ignorant or probing questions. Her silence unnerves them. Her smile freaks them out. They awkwardly change the subject and look sheepish.

When people are looking for a great leader and they get a tiny, Indian nun, that is contradiction.

When people are looking for a huge sign that they are going in the right direction and they get an overflowing toilet, that is contradiction.

When people are filled with resentment and are confronted with love, that is contradiction.

When people want a way out and they end up digging a deeper hole, that is contradiction.

When people have to lose themselves to find themselves, that is a definite contradiction.

Consider one person right now who you are not very fond of, who gives you bad feelings and makes you want to spit or swear. Now replace those bad, damaging feelings with the image of a flower, a silent prayer for their wellbeing and success, an earnest wish for peace in their lives.

This is the ultimate contradiction that brings love and peace flowing into your own life. We are all children of a loving God and universe. We need to change our perspective or continue to suffer.

By the way, the advice I gave my daughter worked. The boy didn't tease her anymore. And she handled him with loving contradiction.

Praise on the Path to True Love

noreply@blogger.com (— The Patient Parent) — Wed, 10 Jun 2009 13:10:00 +0000

A thought for today: Count the number of times today that you praise your children for something compared to how many times you criticize them.

Now listen for words of praise for yourself compared to criticism from others. Criticism can come in the form of not saying anything as well as a verbal critique of what you have failed to do or how you've done it.

We are quick to criticize and find fault. We are slow to praise and see the good.

One suggestion for this is that we do not love ourselves and therefore we cannot truly love others. Our minds are filled with self-criticism for what we have done or failed to do, how we look, how we handle our lives.

To love and care for others, we must first love ourselves. That does not mean mirror-gazing narcissism. That form of self-love is damaging in that it closes the heart to others and leads to isolation and spiritual emptiness. No one measures up, including ourselves. We are constantly seeking the attention, pleasure or power that will fill us. We hate people when they fail to meet our emotional needs. Our love barely touches the surface of another human being, and eventually we feel nothing from or for them.

Here are the marks of true self-love: We are slow to anger with others. We recognize the good in them. We see life as an opportunity to serve our neighbor, not grudgingly or because it will get us something in return, but because it brings us joy. Our work is fulfilling because we know that it serves a purpose for others, not ourselves. Our friendships and relationships are respectful, honest and loving to the point that it would wound us deeply to hurt another person. We are grateful for any small kindness. We are moved when we see others acting with love.

We have nowhere to go, no one to be, nothing to get. We are enough. We were created to be enough.

If these traits are not true for you today,is it because the praise in your life is so much less than the criticism? Have you gone so far down the road that you are numb to any kind of feeling or concern for others?

Start on a new road with more praise and less criticism for your children, your spouse, your co-workers. Actively look for ways to praise others. Praise is contagious. It creates chinks in your emotional armor so that true love can come in. When you finally meet this love, no other will compare!

You will finally be free to love your neighbor as yourself.

Use Conflict as an Opportunity

noreply@blogger.com (— The Patient Parent) — Mon, 25 May 2009 20:29:00 +0000

Some of you may sit down tonight to watch the season premiere of Jon and Kate Plus 8, the TLC show about a couple with twins and sextuplets. You may already be a fan, or you may have heard the rumors about the instability of their relationship.

We are drawn to conflict. Adult conflicts can seem pretty complex and it may be difficult to see a resolution to the terrible things we do to one another. However, if we can look at conflict in terms of how we teach our children to resolve it, the path may be clearer.

What do you tell your children when they have wronged another child?

1. Tell me what happened.
To fix a problem, we need to know what happened. We ask each child to tell us the truth about what happened. Some children may lie. Other children will begin the story by talking about what the other child did. They learn early in life that talking about the other child will deflect blame from them. It is a natural reaction to getting into trouble. "I didn't do anything!" "He started it!" "She hit me first!"

Telling the truth is only effective if your children realize that they share responsibility in the problem. Insist that they start at the beginning and talk about what they did to either create the conflict - or what they failed to do. Once children take ownership of their part in a conflict, they can move on to the next steps.

2. Say you're sorry.
You can tell when a child is sorry. There is a sadness in the eyes, a sincerity to the voice. The apology is not rushed. It is not glossed over with mindless chatter about the other child. You can simply feel the difference between a real apology and one that is uttered just to get it over with.

Apologizing is difficult because it places blame. By apologizing, your child is acknowledging misbehavior and accepting the consequences of that behavior. Don't allow them to play victim or to shift blame. That just causes all kinds of difficulty later in life.

Say that your child attends a party where there is drinking or use of drugs. Even if your child did not participate in the drinking or drug use, their presence at the party suggests blame to the authorities. In this case, they should apologize for their choice to go to the party - or for not leaving as soon as they saw what was happening.

3. Make it better.
Some parents stop the discipline after step two. But it is step three that supports change. Talk to your children about how you expect them to behave in the future. "Hands are for helping, not hurting" and "We love each other" are simple ways that we teach our children about caring for others. For older children, it might be a phrase like, "We avoid even the perception of wrongdoing by our words and actions" and "What you do also represents and reflects on your family."

Children who learn how to make things better in the midst of a conflict will be better at conflict resolution as adults. They will learn to view conflicts as opportunities for improving their relationships or improving themselves. Conflict won't be something that they try to avoid by lying or pretending it's not there.

Too often, the world tells us to hide the truth, avoid apologizing and do very little to make things better. We have lost our ability to talk through problems, preferring to ignore or avoid the potential for more conflict. We are told that it's better to "move on and forget about it." It might seem like a good idea to forget, but forgetting only invites the chance for it to happen again. And yet, nursing our pain forever will breed resentment and probably physical illness.

How do we make things better? If only a hug or handshake would do the trick like it does for our children. But adult minds are often too set in their ways and belief patterns.

Instead, I invite you to work through steps one and two and then spend the rest of your days living in ways that show care and concern for others. Some relationships are easy to demonstrate this, like with our children. But others who have been hurt by our past actions or inaction may require more time and effort on our part to prove positive change.

Thank goodness that most of us don't have to work through conflict in front of a national audience. For Jon and Kate, I hope they and their children have a strong support network that promotes communication and reconciliation — and forgiveness in time. Be patient. Use this storm as an opportunity to make it better - to become the person you've always wanted your children to be.

Now that would be a great television show.

Actions Speak Louder Than Words

noreply@blogger.com (— The Patient Parent) — Tue, 12 May 2009 13:19:00 +0000

A couple months ago, a friend called for my husband. I was serving my girls some lunch and my husband was napping. When the friend asked to speak to my husband, I told him that my husband was out running errands. I fibbed.

Hearing this, my 8-year-old immediately said in a loud voice, "No, he isn't! He's home!"

Instead of realizing I was caught in a fib and making it right, I put my finger to my lips to shush my daughter. The look on her face, of shock, filled me with shame.

Later, when my husband called back his friend, I told him to tell his friend that I fibbed. And I talked to my daughter about the lie. I thanked her for reminding me that any lie is wrong, even one with good intentions. Even though I didn't want my husband disturbed, lying wasn't the solution.

Our children observe what we do and will take our actions to heart more than the words we tell them. This is a hard lesson, given that I'm a writer and spend all my time thinking about words. How I live my life and model to others is so much more important.

Think about how you act around your children, and how you interact with others. Do you grump at other drivers on the highway? Do you gossip in front of your kids? Do you throw litter out the window? Do you treat salespeople rudely? Do you do anything in your life right now that would put you to shame if your children knew...if they understood that your words and guidance for them don't apply to your actions?

If the mama or papa duck is swimming in circles, how will the ducklings learn to swim?

The other day I heard my youngest daughter singing about God. I have been listening a lot to a Christian radio station in the car. I used to listen to pop music, and my daughter used to talk about being a rock star. Now she wants to be a veterinarian. Amazing what a change in modeling can do for our kids.

I Hate You!

noreply@blogger.com (— The Patient Parent) — Wed, 15 Apr 2009 20:54:00 +0000

I was just featured on the Cute Kid Parent Center. Check out my thoughts on how to respond when your kid says, "I hate you." Tell me about your own responses, good and bad, to this type of angry kid outburst.

What Makes a Good Parent?

noreply@blogger.com (— The Patient Parent) — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 16:23:00 +0000

This question was recently posed by writer Joelle Klein on the TLC Slice of Life blog. Here is my response from my own experience as a parent...so far.

1. Good parents model patience by putting themselves in another person's shoes before responding, staying in the present moment and trying to be of service in any situation.

2. Good parents are aware of their stress triggers and practice healthy self care and communication. Instead of yelling at the kids, they take a walk or step away to cool down. Instead of arguing with their partner, they schedule a time to talk calmly about concerns.

3. Good parents are grown-ups, meaning it's not all about them anymore. They see their role as parents as a beautiful opportunity to make a difference in the world rather than a burden. They take that role seriously. They give up unhealthy behaviors that could impact the children in a negative way...be it drinking or spending too much time away from the family.

4. Good parents are present. They spend time with their children. They understand their children's top emotional needs and fill them, whether it's quality time, hugs or words of affirmation.

5. Good parents model and teach their children about responsibility, honesty and patience. They don't take a child's side if the child is wrong. They have expectations and deliver appropriate discipline that helps the child become self-sufficient and respectful.

6. Good parents are not a child's friend. They are mentors, guides and teachers about life.

7. Good parents let a child know that although they don't always love their actions, they still love them. They are a soft place to fall when life gets rough and can support their children in making better choices and turning their lives around.

8. Good parents make mistakes. Then they own up to those mistakes with anyone they've hurt and they learn from them.

9. Good parents have a spiritual life and model it in how they treat others and the legacy they leave behind after a lifetime of bumps, mumps, achievements and bereavements. In the end, good parents feel confident that they've done the best they could with no manual, no experience and no single definition of success.

10. Good parents are messy, moody and human. And their kids love them anyway.

Visit Parenting Examiner Minneapolis

noreply@blogger.com (— The Patient Parent) — Wed, 04 Feb 2009 02:37:00 +0000

Minneapolis has a new resource for parents. It's called Examiner.com. It's a new community of local citizens who are blogging and writing articles on a number of topics, including parenting and child care.

I became one of the parenting examiners for Minneapolis last month and have posted a couple articles already. Check them out by clicking on the title of this post. Keep in mind that I also answer parenting questions at ParentalWisdom.com.

This social networking thing is really fun for writers like myself to share ideas and network with other parenting experts and professionals. I just joined Facebook a month ago and linked this blog to my profile page. I have not, however, decided to post photos of my children yet. I have also noticed that some people do not post photos of themselves, but instead use cartoons called "avatars" to represent themselves.

This is something to consider. While we are concerned about losing our connections to others, there is also a matter of family privacy. How much do we really want to invite the whole world into our living rooms? Do we really want to be famous...or infamous?

There are security features on these sites that allow you to pick and choose who sees certain information that you post. Learn how to use these features. More importantly, assume that anything you write may be viewed by your second grade teacher, pastor, next door neighbor, mother or the milk man. It's a small world, even online.

Blessings.

Stop Touching Me!!

noreply@blogger.com (— The Patient Parent) — Mon, 19 Jan 2009 12:51:00 +0000

Siblings. They are your first test in learning how to get along with others. I recently had a question from a parent about how to get her son to stop touching his brothers inappropriately. I suspected that he was doing it to get their attention as well as his mother's attention. Kids learn to get attention in lots of ways, some of them we would consider bad ways. To them, it's just about getting attention.

You can still see bad attention-getting behavior in adults who haven't learned to get attention any other way. They talk loudly. They shove people. They make off-color jokes.

Best to help your child learn appropriate ways of getting attention so he doesn't become that annoying co-worker, embarrassing spouse or friendless practical jokester.

When the behavior happens, call your child and his siblings over and tell them that their behavior is inappropriate. Then ask them to apologize and tell each other one thing they like about the others. You as the parent can offer a compliment to each of them. Do this in a calm and cheerful way so they witness your positive attention for their good behavior.

If the sibling rivalry is particularly intense, you will probably have to repeat this game several times over a week or so. Stop the action. State your expectations for behavior and play the compliment game. If a child refuses to play or makes fun of the idea, send that child for some quiet time until he can come up with some nice things about his siblings. He may just need some time to settle down after the horsing around.

Talk to your kids about personal space. Make a game of it by giving examples of invading personal space and then how each should respond. Talk about using manners like please and thank you, respecting the toys and personal space in bedrooms of each sibling. Even if siblings share a room, they can each have a personal area that is just theirs.

In order to relate well to others, we also need private time for ourselves. Create that space in your home. This is important for parents, too!

What you may find is that your children will ask to play the compliment game or volunteer compliments when they realize that someone has been upset by their behavior. It will become a great ritual for bringing everyone together and showing mutual respect and love. They can offer compliments to you, too.

How have you helped to improve relationships between your children? How do you give them positive attention?

What is Wicked?

noreply@blogger.com (— The Patient Parent) — Sun, 16 Nov 2008 22:30:00 +0000

My husband and I just saw "Wicked" in Minneapolis. The show affirmed for me that we feeble humans can never judge what is truly good and what is truly wicked. We have to examine the intent of every individual and the context of the situation. But we must also realize that good and evil lie within each of us and we must consciously choose the right path in every moment. When I mean right path, I mean a path that does not result in harm to us or to anyone else.

Sometimes it might seem that the right path is to be selfish, to take care of our own needs before others. Put your own air mask on and then you can help someone else, right? The problem is that we often take this idea too far. We put on our own air mask and then we suck up all the air. We take and take and take. Or someone hurts us and we think it's our right to be selfish and take what we rightly deserve.

Okay. I'm sure many of you are saying, "Wait just a minute. I give and give and give. When IS it my turn to take?"

Well, there is a difference between giving and a feeling that we are "sacrificing" for others. If we are afraid that we will never get anything back for what we give, that is a position of sacrifice. Sacrifice feels yucky and draining. It leads to resentment and more taking. But giving is a joyful position because our hearts are open. We don't need to get anything back. We are receiving joy from the giving.

How do we get to joyful giving? We must practice believing that we live in an abundant world and that everyone we meet is a member of our family. No matter their attitude or how they choose to act, we can show up with a sense of peace, gratitude and service.

Someone who appears wicked may in fact be doing good. Someone who appears good may in fact be acting wickedly. We know this. We also are not the ones to judge. We can only practice good judgment with regard to our own lives in every moment. Don't get drawn into wicked attitudes and deeds. Be fearless. Be your own person. Give with joy.

Parenting an "adult" child

noreply@blogger.com (— The Patient Parent) — Wed, 22 Oct 2008 15:39:00 +0000

Question: When is your child not your child?
Answer: Never

A beautiful woman I know just turned 30. Her life never seems to launch. She is involved in a dead-end relationship. She has used drugs and is probably still using. She loses jobs and is repeatedly homeless. Her family feels like they can't help her because she is an "adult."

If you are a parent and one of your children is in trouble, it is heart wrenching regardless of the child's age. You want to help, but may question whether you have any control to change the child's course. You might resign yourself to watching your child slowly deteriorate. You might cut off all ties because it hurts too much to witness the self-destruction. You might fear for yourself or possessions because of your child's behavior.

It struck me how Britney Spears' life played out before our eyes with a fall from grace, drug use, bad relationships. And how her father finally stepped in and said, "Enough."

Parents...if you can do anything, do it now. Go to the courts. Request restraining orders. Request custody or power of attorney. Show your child how serious the situation is and how much you care. This doesn't mean giving them money when they come around. It means offering support for them to leave an unhealthy relationship, to stop using drugs or alcohol, to get healthy and have a good life.

At the very least...send your child emails of encouragement. Send letters. Continue to reinforce the beauty inside of them by putting your heart on the line. Maybe it won't make a difference in their personal journey. But it might in yours as you keep your heart open, soft and ready to receive them.

As a song I recently listened to said, "Everything easy has its cost." It's easier to write people off who don't act as you expect. But you suffer as much as they do from a closed heart.

I wish you strength and patience as you parent an adult child who is lost. It's never too late to be the parent you always wanted to be. If they refuse you, be patient with them. You never know what impact you're making until much later.

Basic Politeness

noreply@blogger.com (— The Patient Parent) — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 18:00:00 +0000

I came across this policy on a CPA blog, but it's a great list of tips for basic politeness, respect and conflict resolution in everyday life. Common sense, but how many of us are good at following them? Never too late!

1. If you have a problem with someone, talk about the problem only with them and in private.
2. Use positive conversation.
3. Blame a system not a person.
4. Apologize and make restitution if someone is upset by your actions.
5. When you talk about a person who is not present, speak as if they are listening to your conversation.
6.Use the person’s name in each sentence in which you refer to them.
7. Speak very politely using a person’s name - - ‘please’ & ‘thank-you’ as a minimum.
8. Greet and farewell everyone by name and with eye contact.
9. Tell the truth.

Ultimately, following these tips will make our lives better, too.

Thanks Parents Magazine!

noreply@blogger.com (— The Patient Parent) — Mon, 25 Aug 2008 12:25:00 +0000

Just wanted to announce the featuring of my children's book, "Green Yellow Go! Nat Knows Bananas" in Parents Magazine, September 2008, under the Ages & Stages area for toddlers, page 216.

Keep in mind that the best and cheapest way to order my book is through my website, www.natknows.com. The big retailers list it, but then it shows out of print for some reason and this gal doesn't have a lot of time to follow up on such issues these days.

Hey Amazon and Barnes & Noble, if you see this blog give me a call! (Yeah, right.)

Anyway, it's really cool that an editor of Parents Magazine would find my book online and want to include it with other amazing books for kids. Thanks Wendy Toth!

I also recently taught a "Patience & Responsibility" class in Buffalo, MN, to about 20 child care providers. They were a great group with lots of good ideas. If any of you would like to share what you've implemented from the class, please comment here or email me through www.natknows.com

Anyway, back to my job as a wordsmith. In my free time, I'm revamping my website, so hope to have an announcement on that before the end of the year.

In the meantime....mindfulness, empathy and leadership my friends. Be present. Try to understand others. Be of service every day. We are all someone's child...and sometimes we act like one. So let's cut each other some slack in this crazy world, eh?

Teacher Troubles

noreply@blogger.com (— The Patient Parent) — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 12:54:00 +0000

I hate to talk about school yet when all of you are still trying to enjoy summer, but it is around the corner and I was reminded of that when talking to a friend about her children's teachers.

Last year, she had trouble with one of her daughter's teachers whose only comments were that her daughter didn't try at all. My friend thought this was odd, given that her daughter had been nominated for student of the week by her primary teacher for completing her homework before any of her classmates.

The primary teacher told my friend not to worry, that this other teacher was "always like that."

This reminded me that we need to be strong advocates for our children throughout school. I don't mean that we should undermine or second guess teachers (my husband is a teacher; let me make that clear), but if we sense a problem between our child and teacher we need to address it as soon as possible.

I actually recommend taking steps before the school year even starts. Some schools allow you to request a certain teacher for your child. Talk to friends whose children have gone through the grade or ask for direction from administrators after explaining your child's potential needs.

Another proactive step is to meet with your child's teacher before the school year begins and ask the teacher about teaching methods, routines and how the teacher handles challenging students. If you sense any red flags, bring them up immediately to the teacher and talk about it.

If you sense resistance from the teacher, explain that you want to ensure that your child and the teacher have a good experience and you want to be available and provide as much information as necessary to support them both.

These steps are especially helpful if you have a child with a feisty or fearful temperament. Feisty children have a lot of energy, may come across as bossy to other children and may need more time for transitions. They can get frustrated if routines change and can tend to rush through activities. Fearful children will need time to warm up to group activities as they adjust to new classmates and the teacher. They like to plan ahead and observe things before jumping into activities.

If you can communicate these characteristics to teachers, they will be more prepared to support your child's learning needs and will appreciate that you took the time to make them aware.

Granted, some teachers may ignore you or unconsciously label your child (or you!) as a potential trouble maker. The best you can do in that situation is to stay calm, invite the teacher to focus on potential solutions instead of rehashing problems and, if necessary, request that your child be moved to another classroom. Remember that you can't change another person, but you can choose to maintain your composure and seek the best options for your child regardless of the challenge.

Stay calm. Stay involved. Stay focused on your child's best interests.

One caveat to that: If your child's behavior IS causing disruption or danger to other students, own and acknowledge that. Then try to move everyone forward to solutions. Between you, teachers and administrators, you can find solutions. Work on discipline consistently between school and home. Try to visit the classroom and observe your child (with and without the child's awareness) so you can get an idea of what might be causing the behavior.

In the end, you know your child best and can support the learning process if you focus on positive action steps. If discussion breaks down into venting and complaining, again stay focused and calm and ask about potential solutions...firmly if necessary.

Another mom I know did have to stand up, take up more space in the room by putting her hands on her hips, lean over an administrator's desk, and use her mean mommy voice on him. It had the desired effect; she had the gentleman's attention! Then they could begin the discussion...calmly. Or schedule another appointment!

If you have had a challenge with a teacher or administrator, I'd like to help. Leave a comment or email me.

Great Press at BabyZone

noreply@blogger.com (— The Patient Parent) — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 13:06:00 +0000

Many thanks to Lisa Samalonis who interviewed me for BabyZone.com on how to avoid disciplining with anger.

She covered all of my stress personalities and my three magic elements of patience and included examples of real parents who owned up to their Old Yellers and Houdinis. It's a great article on managing anger and teaching children to be leaders, which is one of my main goals in this work.

Always exciting to get my message of patience out to more parents! Thanks Lisa!

Click on the title of this post or the link to read the full article. And give me your feedback.

The Bad Mother

noreply@blogger.com (— The Patient Parent) — Thu, 26 Jun 2008 12:30:00 +0000

I was recently at a family reunion where the main attraction for the children was an in-ground pool. My girls were excited to dip into the pool as soon as we arrived, so we put on our sunscreen and headed out.

My 7-year-old decided to leave her life jacket behind and use a floaty toy instead. I put a life jacket on my 4-year-old and hung out on the edge near her, my feet dangling in the water.

Suddenly, my older daughter lost hold of her floaty toy in the deep part of the pool. The toy remained a finger length away; all she needed to do was reach for it. Instead, she panicked and began to dog paddle frantically in circles. I stood up in alarm but calmly encouraged her to grab the toy. She continued to swim and call for help when a man I didn't know jumped into the pool — fully clothed — and grabbed her.

All of this played out in a few seconds, but the shame I felt for not jumping in immediately to rescue my own child may last a while. What made me hesitate? What could those few seconds have cost me?

There is a fine line between encouraging our children to rescue themselves and knowing when they are about to drown. Life threatening situations call for us to put our needs aside and even sacrifice our lives (day-to-day or literally) for our children. But a situation like a forgotten piece of homework or credit card bill may require some thinking before we rush to our children's aid.

The lesson in my experience at the pool is a big one but I'm too close to it yet to fully comprehend how I or my daughter will come to terms with it in the future. When things like this happen in our parenting, it's important to accept that it happened and to take some positive action that will honor its significance. I'm so grateful to the person whose reaction and proximity were faster than mine. Even in that there is a lesson: we are not isolated in the love and care of our children. We need others to assist and help us to see the solution before it's too late.

Bless your little ones and big ones this summer.

Declaring Prohibition

noreply@blogger.com (— The Patient Parent) — Sun, 15 Jun 2008 01:36:00 +0000

I'm 38 now. There, I admit it. My birthday was Thursday, June 12. I decided to celebrate it with a little one-on-one time with my oldest girl, a little me time with a massage and a little we time with girlfriends.

It was a female bonding day.

But I learned something big about myself while enjoying dinner with about five or six lovely women. A martini and a glass of wine on an empty stomach are not what they appear to be. They are not an innocent way for me to socialize. They are, in fact, the tool of my inner devil.

Yes, in the last year I have made friends with my physical, indulgent, passionate self. But the truth is, alcohol seems not to bring out my true self, but my worst self. It's one thing to be with your women friends and vent about your spouses, but it's another to do it loudly and obnoxiously...and rag on the spouses of your women friends.

I have realized that if I don't like myself the next day because of what I recall saying or doing while influenced by alcohol, it probably isn't the wisest choice to try again. Now my friends may say that it wasn't as bad as I'm making it out to be. Two drinks doesn't mean I have a problem. Still...

Living with patience, with mindfulness, is my vision for myself and the world. If I truly want to be the role model for this value and skill, to be present and of service to others, it makes no sense to muddle up my head...even if I'm celebrating, especially if I'm celebrating.

So I am declaring to the world on this evening, June 14, that alcohol is no longer a part of my life. Help me to keep this vow. I want to be a solution to the world. I want to be present to my friends. I want to speak of others kindly. I want to use my passions and physical, indulgent self for good. In the presense of chaos, numbness, resentment or despair, I want to be awake.

News of Patient Parent and Nat Knows Spreading

noreply@blogger.com (— The Patient Parent) — Wed, 04 Jun 2008 12:46:00 +0000

So my goal with this blog is to write at least once a week, but apparently it hasn't happened yet. I'll keep it as a goal, though!

A lot has been happening on the marketing side of my patient parenting work. My patient parenting manuscript is going out to more publishers. My comments on patience will be featured in an article in First for Women magazine in June, which you can find on newsstands. I have also contributed information to articles that will be posted on ParentSociety.com and iParenting.com.

Stacy DeBroff of MomCentral.com wrote a book review about Nat Knows Bananas on her site. Thanks Stacy! The alumni magazine for Mass Communications at St. Cloud State University, my alma mater, wants to feature me in their maiden full-color magazine this year, too! And...Parents magazine wants to run information about my children's book along with an article on toddler patience.

Exciting stuff for a feisty mom of two and introverted writer who never thought she would publish a children's book, speak regularly in public or teach patience! Just goes to show that life is full of surprises.

I'll be 38 next week and it has been quite a year. I feel like I'm coming into my own as a woman and communicator and I pray that I will have the continued strength and passion to spread the message of patience to more people. I truly believe it coincides with the movement toward more enlightened human beings who are staying present and embracing this moment to act in service to others.

To check out a great free teleseminar series on this topic, visit www.MasteringThePowerOfNow.com

Happy Mother's Day

noreply@blogger.com (— The Patient Parent) — Sun, 11 May 2008 19:08:00 +0000

I awoke this morning to see my 7-year-old carrying a metal broiler tray with a bowl of soggy sugar puffs, water and a homemade card into my room. I have to admit that I really wanted to sleep more, but the sight of her smiling face urging me to dig into my breakfast was enough incentive to please her. I thought back to all of the years I snuck into the kitchen with my siblings to make breakfast for our parents. Our talents evolved from jelly toast and cereal to scrambled eggs and sausage and blueberry pancakes. I empathized now with my parents who were forced to choke down a full breakfast so early in the morning as we sat smiling on their bed.

Later in the morning, my husband and two daughters and I tromped to church to enjoy a Sunday school teacher appreciation breakfast. (More food!) My girls presented me with cement stepping stones decorated with shells and broken tiles, one saturated in hot pink craft sand and the other already losing its plastic beading.

But the highlight of my morning had to be when my girls stood up in front of the church and sang, "He's Got the Whole World in His Hands," complete with hand motions. I felt myself get teary with the knowledge that they were my children. I was a mother. And even though my eldest sometimes suffers anxieties that give her facial tics and my 4-year-old is dragging around her 30th leg cast to correct a club foot, they are the most perfect children I could ever imagine.

Yes, I would step in front of a bus for my children if necessary. And yes, they drive me crazy. The bickering and messes and fighting for my attention throughout the day while I try to log 40 hours for my job AND keep the family in clean underwear — impossible. To say that mothers need patience is hardly sufficient to explain our plight.

But gosh golly, when I am fully present to the wonder of these two little human beings — one who states that her latest interest is ornithology and the other who claims that "I'm her favorite mommy," — well, nothing else seems to be all that important.

Happy Mother's Day to all of you mothers out there. I don't care if you are mothers to your own children, to your pets or to the neighbor kids...you are the glue of the world. Okay, I need to head to the gym and work off my breakfast.

Tina Nocera: Founder of ParentalWisdom.Com

noreply@blogger.com (— The Patient Parent) — Tue, 29 Apr 2008 13:01:00 +0000

I wanted to introduce you to some other parenting experts I've met in recent months to give you a flavor for their perspective on parenting. One great one to know is Tina Nocera, the founder of ParentalWisdom.com, a forum where parents can quickly get multiple answers from experts for their questions. Here's what Tina had to say about her business and the challenging but rewarding job of parenting:

What was the spark that urged you to found Parental Wisdom?

I was 9 months pregnant with my daughter, I remember the day exactly - it
was August, terribly hot and I had my 18-month old son who refused to put on
his shoes. You know when kids put their toes into a ball? Anyway, it
dawned on me that I had no idea of what I should have been doing so I
questioned the premise that people could have children without any prior
qualifications, licensing or training.

I also realized that each child and situation was unique and found that as
I read the books, the authors were understandably not always correct.

What is the benefit of having several experts answer a parent's questions?

Because no one person is always right for all the people all the time.
There are numerous idiosyncrasies and values that come into play. Parents know their child best but don't always have ready access to the information that an expert does.

What's the average turnaround to get an answer?

Usually 24 hours.

With all of the information out there about "good parenting" how can parents avoid feeling like they are never doing enough for their children?

Easy - every night before you go to bed, play back at least one good interaction with your child. And notice how even after a bad day, kids are so wonderfully resilient.

What do you enjoy most about being a parent?

The fact that my perfectly normal children have become good people.

What's your idea of a great mini-vacation?

A spa!

What one thing are you thankful for today?

The good health and happiness of my family.

Kind of shows you that material stuff doesn't mean a thing in the long run and no one has the right answers all the time. Trust yourself, choose your resources carefully and remember the good things along with the challenging parts of parenting. Your kids look to you more than anyone for guidance and security...even when they don't show it! More from Tina in the near future!